Beyond Belief

Here are some FACTS, some things of certainty that I know to be true. No, that I know to be beyond true. I can't tell you how I know this, because you wouldn't understand.

1. Tom Selleck was born with a mustache

He was a baby miracle.

2. I'm a God

Oh, as if you didn't know. Let me state my case. Throughout history, offerings and sacrifices have been made to God/many different gods. Every single cat I have ever had has brought me offerings and sacrifices- ranging anywhere from birds and mice to insects. There fore, they must view me as a God. Their food rains from the heavens, their cup never goes empty... of water. They lay at my feet, they bathe me. Yup. I'm pretty much a god.

3. Easy Bake Ovens leads to S&M

I don't know a single kid who owned an easy bake oven (the real kind, not this plastic crap they pass off on the markets now) who didn't burn the shit out of themselves when using it... and then go back for more. Which brings me to this Pavlovian point- we were trained, as children, that burning ourselves on such ovens, essentially that pain would only lead to a treat afterward. You can do the math from there.

4. There's no such thing as chiropractors

Chiropractors are make-believe. Just like Santa and Rush Limbaugh. They don't exist. What you believe to be a chiropractor is actually just a swindler from the 1920's, trying to cheat you out of your money, see. There's also no such thing as a single visit to a "chiropractor", no matter what they tell you- you will always have to come back a week later for a "readjustment" and then a week later to readjust that readjustment. Forever. Until you realize you are out of money or you figure out the shell game they're playing with you.

5. If you're in a horror movie, you will forget how to drive

Should you find yourself in a horror movie or at least a similar situation, no matter how long you have been driving, just understand one thing- you will forget how to drive. You will forget your seat belt. And you will not make it more than 50 yards in a car. You're better off walking- yes walking- as running also seems like a dumb idea, because you will trip and fall and get injured and have to walk anyway. Save yourself the trouble. Just walk from the get go.

6. Monopoly is used as a torture device

China and parts of Russia both use Monopoly as torture mechanisms. They make POW's play the game with each other, in its entirety, until one of them cracks.

7. Your one missing sock does not end up in some abyss

It usually gets sucked through the dryer hose or falls behind the washing machine.

G-Units of Time

Sometimes I really, truly believe I am an old person trapped in a young person's body- until I reviewed the things that my grandmothers enjoy, many of which I do not. But then, upon further review, I found almost an equal amount of things that these women enjoy that I find myself also in agreement with. Below are lists of things they like and I do not, followed by something that we both can agree upon:

Glass Art

Glass art makes me want to vomit- which I'm sure would be more artistically interesting then the blown glass at any rate, not to mention more intentional. My grandmother(s) liking glass art only confirms my suspicions that it is intended fort the eyes of the elderly only.

Garage Sales

When I was younger, I remember going garage sale-ing with both of my grandmothers, separately of course. I still garage sale, as do they. Some of my annual Christmas gifts come from yard sales, and some of theirs will as well.

Irish Literature

My grandma McEldery loves Irish literature, so much so that she has given me several novels. These literary works are often heavily laden with romance, which is not really the type of reading I prefer to do in my spare time. Grandma's digging it, though.

Harry Potter

My grandmother was actually the one who got me reading Harry Potter- unintentionally back during my freshman year of high school. Originally given to my younger brother as a Christmas gift after my grandmother read the first few books and really liked them. When Michael chose not to read it, I decided to read it for myself, as not to let a book go to waste. I ended up really liking it- and still do, no embarrassment there... at least it's not the Twilight saga, which I will not ever read, or watch (and what little I have seen has made me vomit in the aforementioned art-like style that would give Chihuly a run for his money).

Slot Machines

Grandma Flo loves 'em. We call them, in her case and her case only, the 'chines'. I've never been into video poker. Too rich for my blood and I've never bothered to learn the rules.

Scratch Tickets

Scratch tickets, on the other hand, we both enjoy. They're cheap and entertaining. I also like them because I don't have to spend a significant amount of time losing, unlike with video poker.

Liver

I think it's an old person thing. I'll be honest, I've never had it, and now that I'm a vegetarian, never will. Whenever I smell it cooking, it also makes me want to vomit in technicolor. I hate thinking about eating liver nearly as much as I hate smelling it. I hate thinking about eating a meat that's function during it's prime is to secrete bile. How could that possibly be delicious, granny?

Crushed Ice

Crushed ice, however, is delicious. It's one anorexic meal I can really delve into. Whenever I am at my Grandma McEldery's house, even if it is the dead of winter in Montana, I will take a Styrofoam cup, as those are the to-go cups I find she carries most frequently in her pantry, and topple it with crushed ice to eat on my way to wherever I am off to.

Dickies

I don't like turtle neck shirts to begin with, and I especially don't like them when they aren't even an entire shirt. I don't know why my grandmother likes them so much. When I am going to wear clothes, aside from under garments and those that are similar, I want them to be in their entirety- I want my money's worth, dammit!

Crew Neck Sweatshirts

Who doesn't like a nice crew neck sweatshirt? I know my grandmas and I do. It accentuates our neck-line the way hoodies just cannot.

Lawrence Welk

What the hell is this shit? Look, classic television is one thing, but Lawrence Welk... I just will not watch. I'll watch the Saturday Night Live parodies, but that's about as close as I will get to seeing eye to eye with my granny on this one.

Golden Girls

This is the type of classic television I was talking about. I can easily share a chuckle or two over the episode where the ladies go to buy condoms with either of my grandmothers. Yeah, something about those women make that topic of conversation less awkward, as with many other would be taboo subjects.

Beyonce

My grandma Flo loves Beyonce. She's told me that she thinks Beyonce is hot. I can't argue there, but I'm not really a huge fan. She, on the other hand, is.

Elvis

Now here is some older music that I can tolerate. I'm not saying I have Elvis on my iPod, I do not, and I would never bring him back from the dead, let alone believe he is or at one point post-mortem, was undead- but when Elvis comes on, sure, why not?

Perms

May my hair never be the length suitable for a perm. I do love, though, how happy my grandmother's get after they get perms. I also love the chemical smell. That's about the only common ground I could ever find with my grandma's on that hairstyle choice.

Hair Combs

I have been known, from time to time, to wear the occasional hair comb to hold back my flowing locks. Please know this of me, I don't like sparkly hair combs or hair combs with butterflies or other accouterments either.

Box Wine

Common! I have some class. Charles Shaw at the very least- the bottle is reusable. Grandma, on the other hand, does not give her wine drinking this same consideration.

Boxes of Petit Fours

Give me a box of mini-cakes any day. Better yet, give my grandma McEldery a box of petit fours for Christmas and I'll just take half home for myself, which is what happens every year.

Gaudy Jewelery

Grandma Flo loves herself some bling. She's more hip-hop then I am, upon adding this to her Beyonce fetish. If it sparkles, she's on it! Or rather, it's on her. Not on me, though, I'm a jewelery minimalist these days.

Gaudy Nick-knacks

Grandma Flo collects angels, grandma McEldery collects fairies and elves, I, collect little toys, zombie action figures, and glass cats. We all collect these items as gifts or from yard sales and thrift stores.