Satan's Clause

With global climate change on the horizon, this generation is pretty much already acclimated to uncomfortable heat, similar to that of fire and brimstone. With that being said, Hell doesn't seem to be such a bad option any longer. And while I can't say we're really down for 24/7 intensive labor, which might be kind of a bummer, I think as I former Strategic Communications student, I could re-vamp the whole "Hell" images to really make my generation fearful of eternal damnation. My idea is that, in Hell, everyone would live (or not) much as they do now, day in and day out with a few... alterations. Here are some ideas I have in mind:

-Dial-up Internet connection would be the only Internet service allowed. Not even a lack of Internet is as terrible as dial-up. Think about spending eternity on dial-up and stuck in chat rooms whilst trying to upload YouTube videos. That's basically what the Internet would consist of, dial-up, ICQ as your only means of communication, slow YouTube videos, and Askjeeves as your only search engine.


-Old-timey cooking would be the only meal options available. This would constitute that all meals be inspired by the Depression Era and should consist mainly of such courses as beef tongue, gruel, cabbage soup, and worst of all, divinity, just to name a few.


-Dharma and Greg on Every Channel- with NO mute button.


-Taylor Swift/Nickleback/Miley Cyrus karaoke night, every night. All songs to be sung by The Captain (A Beacon Hill pub "favorite") and my good ol' roommate from China, Jing. And you wouldn't be allowed to drink prior to enduring this.


-All font would be in Comic Sans.


-Mullets would be the required haircut for everyone.


-The only bored game allowed would be Monopoly, and all players must actually complete the game in its entirety.


-The preferred (and only) foot wear of hell would be these:

-There would be no more Snuggies!

-But there would be these:

Papa Don't Preach

Bellow are some lil' quips and words of wisdom that show the juxtaposition of my parents perspectives on relationships and sex. I like the contrast in this list.

-Advice from Mom: (To my friends)- "Do you masturbate? I hope you do. You know, masturbation is the safest form of sex."

-Wisdom from Dad: "You know, Whitney, males never really mature past 13. If they tell you otherwise, they're lying."

-Mom (in one long breath): (On my supposed kidney infection): "Are you having sex? I don't care if you are, I just need to know. You know, sex causes these things. I know you don't want to hear this, but when I first started dating Bill, our sex caused a kidney infection. I mean, you're probably having sex. Limit your partners. You could avoid this if you would limit your partners."

-Dad: "I don't want to hear about this. Don't talk to me about kissing boys. You better not be kissing any boys. Are you trying to give me a heart attack? I don't want to hear about this."

-Mom: (On me being stressed out)- "Having sex helps."

-Dad: "No guy better ever touch my daughter. I used to be a cop. I know how to hide a body. The Berkly Pitt is pretty deep."

-Mom: (On whether or not to give me a hope chest for High School graduation)- "What's the point? It's not like you're ever going to get married. I have no hope for that, so why get you a hope chest?"

-Dad: (On whether or not I'm having children)- Me- "I'm not going to have kids. Ever. Period." Dad- "Oh yes you are. Probably not any time soon. You're too smart for that. You're brother on the other hand... well, I wouldn't doubt if he was the next father of our country."

-Mom: "You know your problem? Your clothes. If you dressed better, you'd probably get more second dates."

-Dad: "Let the guy chase you. If you're chasing the guy, you're doing something wrong."

-Dad: "Guys are really very simple. We don't think in complex terms."

-Mom: "I'll never understand men. You probably wont either. Don't bother trying."

Fur-galicious

It has been brought to my attention that it is not okay to wear fur. That is to say, it is not okay for me, as an almost 24 year old female to wear fur, vegetarian or not. However, I have been doing some thinking and it seems to me that there still are several people who seem to avoid being reprimanded for their animal pelt lust. This just is not fair to me. The list below are some of those people:

Mountain Men

We don't even have a modern need for mountain men. There is no supply and demand for trading in the high mountain passes. But still, we see these mountain men (and no, I am not talking about poachers, that is something a bit different), and let them slide with wearing a plethora of animal furs and carcases as, mangled together, not only coats, but hats, mittens, boots, fuck- probably even underroos. For them, it is simply a lifestyle choice. So why can't I have the same choice, only more fashionable?

Old Spinsters

Should it be okay just because their furs came from the Depression Era? Is it wrong to throw red paint on elderly, often times senile women? Apparently so. The social fur-wearing playing field needs to be leveled. Consider this a warning.

Eskimos

I realize this is a cultural and survival thing, but seriously, I never hear about Inuit populations being egged by PETA.

Christmas Carolers

It is almost iconic to see carolers with fur muffs or even hats. Seeing as this trend is in association with Christmas, most people pass it off in the name of good cheer and seasonal tidings. It's not fair. Year round fur for all!

Russians

Yes, I understand it is freezing beyond anything I could possibly imagine in Russia, but seriously, it is as though even the Russian homeless population is decked out in animal hats, coats, and mittens.

Santa Claus

His is the most cosmetic out of them all. Why does he have a ball of fur at the end of his hat? It serves no purpose other than pure fashion, along with the rest of his fur trimmings (provided we are talking about an authentic Santa Claus and not a mall one). And seeing as his look is derived from the northern hemisphere regions, you know it is probably made from Arctic Fox or Arctic Rabbit or Polar Bear- all endangered. What an asshole!

It's simply not fair. These folks get to romp around wearing dead animals with pride and sometimes even respect, but I am not allowed to- even though my animals are purchased used. The way I see it, I already don't eat animals, so let me have some part in their consumption frenzy. At least it is a natural fiber, unlike many of the synthetics that, due to their questionable production, will probably kill the animal that I am wearing anyway.

Irrational Fears

The following list is a list of my irrational phobias and my reasoning behind them that actually cause me some anxiety. Some are not as much fears as just things that bother me to the point of obsessing over them, but all are fairly nonsensical. These listed fears/phobias/obsessions have carried over, even if only slightly, into my adulthood and in some way or other, still affect me.

Apple Juice

-Stems from: A fear that people will think that I am drinking urine, but not the fear that I am actually drinking urine.
-Results in: Either not drinking apple juice, or having to drink it out of a non-transparent vessel.

Velcro®

-Stems From: The sound of Velcro® making me grind my teeth

-Results in: Not owning shoes or clothing that require Velcro® to fasten them shut (which is okay, seeing as I am not Barbie™, who is really the only one whose clothing requires Velcro®).

Escalators

-Stems From: Fear of eternally falling down the escalator/dying.

-Results in: Taking my sweet time (three steps) getting on the escalator and coordinating my exit perfectly.

Clowns

-Stems from: Clowns are scary looking.

-Results in: Avoidance of the circus, turrets-like yelling when I unexpectedly see a clown(s).

Raccoons

-Stems from: Reading stories of rabid raccoons and raccoons being the only scary animal that inhabits these city streets.

-Results in: Waiting in my car for a half hour until the goddamn raccoon removes itself from the front of my gate so I can go inside.

Feet

-Stems from: Other people's feet, for the most part, either smelling bad or looking bad, and still being acceptable to present in the bare form.

-Results in: Freaking out and cussing a lot when feet get too close to my line of vision, touch me or are inappropriately placed on tables/eating spaces.

Brushing Teeth

-Stems from: Okay, for clarification, it is not the act of brushing of one's teeth- especially not those that belong to myself, but rather, the sound of other people brushing their teeth. Much like Velcro®, this sound makes me cringe and I pray for a quick end to it.

-Results in: The personal use of an electric tooth brush, fast forwarding past parts in movies where people are brushing their teeth, leaving the room when friends are brushing their teeth.

Mini marshmallows

-Stems from: A fear of choking to death.
-Results in: Being nervous around hot chocolate.

Really blond children

-Stems from: Watching the movie Village of the Damned.
-Results in: Not being able to look blond children in the eyes, especially if they are in pairs.

Dancing Bonita Flakes

(youtube video)

-Stems from: Rick unexpectedly ordering them at boom noodle.
-Results in: Me crying in public over the shock of seeing moving food and the people sitting next to us to laugh at my being ridiculous.

Bed Bugs

-Stems from: Listening to an episode of This American Life about reasons why people can't sleep- bed bugs being one of them and ruing many people's lives.
-Results in: Me washing my sheets sometimes twice a week and vacuuming my mattress even though it has one of those protective coverings on it frequently.

I Want a Girl Who's Hip... But Not That Hip

Sometimes people just fall into categories with out even realizing it: "the jock", "artsy", "boring"... and so on. Lately, I have noticed more and more non-hipster hipsters. Which, in theory, would make them the most hipster of all. Here is a little sampling of those who, with out an actual effort on their behalf, are hipsters.

The Nerd Squad
-Movie: Sixteen Candles
-Reason: Striped shirts, big glasses, messy hair, cuffed jeans.

Nakoma
-Movie: Pocohauntas
-Reason: Straight bangs, fringe, moccasins. I rest my case.

Ralphie
-Movie: A Christmas Story
-Reason: Over-sized glasses, knit sweaters with collard shirts underneath, beanies, even the pink bunny suit could be hip, for Halloween- if nothing else

Marty McFly
-Movie: Back to the Future
-Reason: Layers, layers layers, tight jeans, and retro nikes. He also played in a band, which was really just a Huey Lewis and the News cover band, which is ironic, which is hip. He knew he was cool though. Even more reason to call him a hipster.

Charlie Bucket:
-Movie: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
-Reason: Hand knit sweaters, beanie, messenger bag, brown chords, unrealistic expectations.

Geraldo Rivera
-TV Show: Geraldo
-Reason: The sweat 'stache and uncommon name.


HR Puff N' Stuff
-TV Show: HR Puff N' Stuff
-Reason: He's pretty phallic looking, and most hipsters I know are dicks.

A Red Ryder BB Gun... With a Compus in the Stock

Dear Sandy Claws...
What I really, really want for Christmas this year (aside from money, of course) is the following:

*also note* For most of these items, feel free to purchase at the Goodwill or any second hand store. Except for the socks. I want those new. And my birthday is exactly two weeks from Christmas, so if you miss the Deck 25th boat, you got another shot! So lucky!

Really warm wool socks

...because my house is so effing cold.
Price Point: About $10... unless you can knit.

Old-timey metal TV trays

I would like the larger ones- but I'd also take the kind you can eat breakfast in bed with. This is one of the things that I don't need new. Just in decent shape, as I can always re-do the tops. On second thought, if I am going to Montana for Christmas, better just let someone in Seattle get me this for my birthday or something.
Price Point: Used- $5 new $15-30. I would like 2.

A record player

It can be purchased used, as long as it works and has a functioning needle. Again though, maybe not the best thing to try and bring back on a plane with me. I guess it depends on the size.
Price Point: Used- $30-$50 New- $70-100

A new phone

Preferably this one... wink, wink, father... how about for my birthday? A model similar perhaps? Okay, this is really my luxury item on this list (well, I guess TV Trays are as well, sort of), but a girl can dream. A girl can dream.
Price Point: $100 (and monthly service would change slightly).

A big plastic drinking cup

Okay, I know I can easily get this at any thrift store or a 7-11, but that is not the point. The point is, so can you! For me! Crap, you can even just give me one out of your cupboards for all I care. These over-sized promotional drinking cups are great for bed time. Anyone who has one knows what I mean. I once had one really good bed time plastic cup, but Hoku stole in a few years ago.
Price Point: Free dollars - $1.00 (or if you get a drink, consume it, and then wash out the cup, it is like, less than free dollars, almost as if I was giving you a gift).

The movie Man of the House

Judge at your leisure. I don't care. It doesn't even have to be on DVD. In fact, I think I'd rather it be on VHS. I've searched high and low at all of the thrift stores imaginable for this movie, it is impossible to find. I mean, who really wants to watch it anyway? It sucks. So one would think there would be a bajillion copies floating about. Nope. No there are not. But for me, it's a gem. And I want it.
Price Point: $7 used $10 new probably $0.25 on VHS.

Whitening Strips

This is my vanity item on this years Christmas list.
Price Point: $20-25

A red cardigan

I need more color in my wardrobe. Size medium.
Price Point: $20-40 new $8-15 used

Total cost of my birthday and Christmas Combined: .High estimate: $316 pre-tax $$
.Low estimate: $184 pre-tax $$
Divided by 2 holidays, divided by multiple people. CHEAP!

Mom, dad, grandparents, lovas... I made a registry online at this link View MyGiftList. Mostly, I don't want 10 copies of Man of the House. It will remind you of price points, along with some websites and pointers on where to find these items.

Love,
Whitney, whose been pretty good for part of this year.

Why I'm Secretly an Old Man

I have come to the realization that I am probably just an old man in disguise. Perhaps even Mr. Rogers. Here are some reasons why:

-I like wearing cardigans.

-I like flat, brown oxfords.

-I enjoy records more than CDs.

-I have an AARP card.

-I am legally blind with out my glasses.

-My unemployment makes me feel like I am in retirement.

-I have a plot and headstone already.

-I play gin and other card games on, more or less, a nightly basis.

-I use phrases that do not make any sense. Lauren, Garrett, or Mallory can attest.

-I have a life insurance policy.

-I listen to jazz and the blues.

-I like Worther's Original®™ candy treats.

-On occasion, I'll sit around in my bathrobe all day.

-I won't stop to ask for directions. Ever.

-I am obsessed with TV trays right now and am searching high and low for a metal set of my own.

-I drive a Chevy.

-Presently, my bangs are kind of like a comb-over.

-I can't remember anyone's birthday.

-I want warm wool socks for Christmas.

-I like complaining about young people.

Conclusion. I'm an old, widowed man trapped as a cute 20-something female. Now, if only I can find a cute 20-something male who acts like an old woman- who will cook and iron for me... I'll be in heaven.

Bonfire Material

Though I in no way have the credibility to post this, here are fashions and trends that I do hope go out of style, and post haste. That was a pun. Yes, you probably own these items. Yes you probably wear them. And yes, I probably secretly make fun of you. I'm just sick of barfing, okay?

-Ugg Boots-

Which, I feel, are already not really considered stylish anymore, but we need to kill this one dead. For good.

-Gladiator Shoes-

Now that it is cold out, I at least wont have to barf all over peoples pedicures for another few months.

-"Unique" Baby Names-

Apple, Blanket, Forest, Panda, what ever. Enough. Name your kids something other than the first object you see.

-Glasses Without a Prescription-

Some of us really need them, okay! Why don't you wear braces on your legs or teeth and make that disability trendy for a while?

-Tiny People-

I don't care if it is really spindly guys, skeletal girls, or little people- I want to be able to see you with my prescription glasses, so if we could remedy this trend, it would be of some help.

-Jean Dresses-

For preschool teachers only you hipsters! They need these dresses!

-Super Blondes-

I'm usually not a fan of blondes anyway, but seriously, the over bleached hair has got to stop. It makes your hair look like cotton candy, which is confusing for some of us. Some of us who like to EAT cotton candy. Also, note, she's a tiny person. Two in one! Yahtzee!!!

-Clothes for Dogs-

It's like dressing children as adults. I don't get it. I don't like it. Stop.

-Vests on Girls-

Only on super models does this trend not look dumb. I'm all for gender bending, but vests are for guys. So are ties. Let's leave it there. It's just confusing, okay? I have a hard enough time trying to tell the boys from the girls around here these days. I need a little help. Also note, that in this picture, there are toeless boot things and gladiator sandals. I wouldn't be friends with any of these girls.

-Flower Print Tights-

Certain prints that I see everywhere just make you look like you have really veiny legs, which make me think of old people... which was not what you were going for. This isn't my best example, but you get the picture. Pun.

-Boho Long Dresses-

Even if you weigh 100 lbs and are 6 ft tall it gives you no shape. Quit wearing these oddly printed dresses or don't expect me to stop asking when the baby is due any time.

-Toeless Boots-

Maybe I just hate feet- a lot- but this is like wearing a belly shirt sweater. Lacks function, purpose, and class. I don't care if they were $500. They're dumb.

-Lady Gaga Halloween Costume-

This was ridiculous. Every single place I went- Lady Gaga, Lady Gaga, Lady Gaga, Lady Ga-ga-gag me.