Resistance Is Futile

Sometimes I have unexplainable urges to do things that are, well, not quite right. According to a This American Life Episode, everyone has them, and sometimes we do things that we don't can't explain. Here are a few of my urges, most of which I have not done.

Water Dribbles

The Dirty: Every now and then, when I have water, well any beverage really, in my mouth, I don't swallow it. Instead, I get a big gulp full and dribble it back into my water glass. I find I do this primarily when the conversation has gone stale.
Resistance: None. I cave and dribble.

Mop Bucket

The Dirty: And it is pretty dirty. If I felt shame or embarrassment, I probably wouldn't post this here. Lucky for you, I don't. When I worked at Beecher's Handmade Cheese, part of our closing duties at night would be to mop the floors. The floors were these dirty, wooden plank-like floors. For no explanation one night, I had the urge to lick, yes lick the inside of the mop bucket. The dirty mop bucket.
Resistance: It was a mop bucket. That would be too sick, for even me. Maybe I had a parasite in my brain at that moment. Who knows. I snapped out of it pretty quickly though.

Hit and Run

The Dirty: I use to carry a baseball bat in the back of my trunk. Let's just leave it at that. An alternate version under this same headline would be my urge to just reverse, really hard, into any car that parallel parks too close behind me.
Resistance: I curb this urge by swearing. A lot.

Bathroom Stalls

The Dirty: I carry a Sharpie™ around with me in my purse. After that whole "boy friend with a secret girlfriend" ordeal, I would find myself pulling out my sharpie in public bathrooms from time to time feeling the need to write on the wall: "hey, (that girls full name here), you may not have believed me, even after I forwarded you those incriminating text messages, but I really did (choose what ever makes you the most comfortable and insert it here) with your boyfriend because he told me you were just some psycho girl and I believed him. Sorry you don't believe me."
Resistance: There is never enough blank space to write that little story down. And to clarify for the record, I haven't wanted to write this for many months now. The urge has completely subsided, but believe me, it was once very, very strong.

Second Hand Shopping

The Dirty: When a shopping cart is left unattended, and many times, when it is left supervised, but the temporary owner turns to reach, oh, say a box of cereal from a top shelf at the grocery store, I find myself perusing through their cart looking for things that I would like to just take out and put in my own cart. Similarly, sometimes I find myself trying to hold back from dropping useless items into strangers shopping carts. It was one of my games during a heavy period of insomnia: go to the store, pick out something embarrassing like laxatives, walk around and look for an unattended cart to drop it in.
Resistance: I think I only ever did this once- the drop not the shop out of urge. I think that pretty much cured that impulse, but from time to time, when a cart has a screaming child in it, or people buying only organic foods, I still consider it.

Nap Time

The Dirty: Confined spaces actually make me feel more comfortable. They make me feel safe and secure. One night, when I was feeling pretty sad and wanted to just nap it all away, I had the urge to clean out the bottom of my closet and sleep in it.
Resistance: There wasn't any. I cleared out everything in my closet and napped. In my comforter. It was lovely and I felt much better after. I'd never do it again though, because putting everything back was a hassle.

Why Yes, I Owned That

Here are some things I have owned in the past that I will admit to owning, regretfully or not.

Tattoo Jewelry

In Particular, the neck choker kind. I preferred to wear black or brown for the more natural "earthy" neck accentuated look. And up until about a year ago, I think I still had some in one of my jewelry boxes from high school. It is now, more than likely, sitting at Value Village... still, should you want to bring this trend back into your very own wardrobe.

Tech Vest

Performance fleece, ooh it's fine! Let me also say that I had a dreaded pink tech vest. Let the records also further show that I wore said tech vest with a turtle neck. Jealous much?

Cat Made of Rabbit Fur

It even Purred! But it gets oh, so much better. I had two of these. In college. Given each by my father and mother respectively. Strangely enough, they were both black and white. Maybe you don't know what I am talking about, but if you have ever been in a mall during the holiday season during the past 10 years, you have probably seen these bad boys being sold at a kiosk. There were also the dog variety available, but I'm more into cats.

Neopet Account

Again, you may not know what this is, so let me inform you. Neopets was an online "gaming" community where you would create a fictional type of pet- somewhat mythical in looks. My pet of choice was a blue, alien cat named Rhapsodyinblue86 (as the regular rhapsodyinblue was taken). The object of this online world, was to go around collecting things and playing these really lame flash games to collect points so your pet could eat or could afford to buy fancy pet items. Unlike my tech vest, I know you are not jealous of this. Nor should you be. Ever.

Popples

As a kid, not only did I watch the Popples cartoon, but I also owned a few. Here was the great thing about Popples, they rolled up into a ball, which seems obvious, but here are somethings I found useful about this seemingly ordinary kid-toy trick: 1. They made for great ammunition at a younger brother. 2. You could hide secret notes or other toys or candy inside them. The same went for kitty/puppy/bunny surprise. Now is also a good time to mention my personal experience with my kitty surprise. My cat once had a litter of kittens, and I may or may not have put one of the baby kittens in the fake kitty surprises pouch and pretended that it gave birth to an actual kitten. I could have easily played this game with a Popple, but I didn't remember or think to do it until just now. Oh well.

Kevin Staley

What's a Kevin Staley you ask? Well, Kevin Staley was a kid in my science class who sold his soul, on a signed piece of paper, for a single Spree- the candy, that is. Yeah. I owned him. And yes, he wanted his soul back, but I had planned to give it to Becky, as her birthday was approaching. I honestly don't remember what I did with his soul. Meh. One should not be so careless. Please also note, that this is his actual picture I pulled off of Facebook. We are not Facebook friends.

A Voodoo Doll

I think I acquired this item in eighth grade form the local book store. I was never really brave enough to use it. Perhaps I should have combined owning Mr. Staley with this voodoo doll. Too late now, seeing as I have neither in my current possession.

Lost in Translation

One of the things that really bothers me is when something I normally like is ruined by joining forces with something else. Examples:

Pretzels
Pretzels in Chex-Mix

I don't know really what changes here. Sure, it's still, in it's essence, the same hard/stale, slightly salted bread-y snack adored by Germans and non-Germans alike. Sure, the outer coating still reminds me of hot glue melting in my mouth, a pleasurable experience, I must admit. But for some cray-zay reason, when a pretzel is surrounded by superior tasting, or at least superior in their salt-heavy content, snacks- I can't stand the sight of them, let alone bland taste.

Things
Things in Grab bags

Grab bag. Psssh. More like Garb-bag-e. Okay, admittedly, that was a stretch. How about, more like crap bag. Yeah, that works. I'll be perfectly honest, I love buying useless items. I also like surprises. But, for some reason, whenever useless items are combined in a mystery bag with other, equally useless items, they lose their luster. Also, grab bags are frustrating because you maybe get one good surprise, and everything else is just junk that takes up space until time can be found to take it to Goodwill, where it will probably be re-grab bagged for the next sucka who feels compelled by the same mystery of it all.

Knights
Knights in White Satin

I actually believe the song to be "Nights in White Satin"... either way, that song is terrible.

Dogs
Dogs in Clothing

What's one way to ruin a cute animal? Put a goddamn sweater on it, let alone a rain jacket, or a tuxedo. Listen, part of my privilege of being a human is that I get to be fashionable. I don't want to have to compete with an animal on who is the better dressed species- as their clothes often times cost more than mine, which is unfair.

Skirt
Skirt + Shorts

This, for the males (who are not in the know) out there is called a "skort". Let me just say, I know the risks I run while wearing a skirt. Yeah, sometimes my underwear are going to be flashed to the world- that's why I wear them (the underwear, not the skirt. I do not wear a skirt for their easy public flashing capabilities). I do not need the added protection of a pair of shorts underneath my skirt to prevent the inevitable. Plus, the back of the skirt looks like shorts, in many of the varieties I have seen. It's a total mind fuck. Stay away, my fellow vixens! STAY AWAY!

But then... there are those rare occasions when two things that I love combine forces and create masterpieces- here are my top three:

Hall and Oates
Hall and Oates and Keyboard Cat

Duh. Youtube it if you don't believe me.

Diet Coke
Diet Coke and Cherry Coke

Even though I don't drink either now- back in my days of coke addiction, the rare Diet Cherry Coke (not to be confused with Cherry Coke Zero) was a beverage fit for the gods. If it would have been invented back in the day, Jesus Christ would have turned that water, not into wine, but into Diet Cherry Coke. I promise you this.

Sandwich
Asian Food and Sandwich

A banh-mi tofu sandwich is probably the best fusion I could ever think of consuming. Let's re-cap what's to love about said sandwich: french bread/baguette, tofu (or for those who prefer the flesh of middle-aged animals, you may be tempted by the pulled pork or a variety of meats that are equally as delectable), cilantro, pickled carrots, cucumbers, something white that may be radish- but I've never really ventured to question, and for those of you who don't pick yours off, as I do, jalapenos. Oh, and a mystery Asian Sauce. If this were to be written out as a math equation, it might read: sandwich + Vietnam + secret sauce + only $2.25 = things Whitney loves.

Questionable Characters

In case you were wondering about your favorite childhood cartoon characters and what they are up to now-a-days, after extensive Wikipedia research, I have found ye some answers. Let me demystify it for you:

Rainbow Bright:
Now:

Captain Planet:

Now:

Popeye:

Now:

Dexter:

Now:

Jem:

Now:

The Very Hungry Caterpillar:

Now:

Customer Service

The following may make you extremely jealous: I work as an assistant manager in a Frozen Custard Shop. I know... oh, I know. But hey, I had to attend a university for five years for this job. I'm deserving of it. Cutting through the sarcasm as though it were baby fat on a roasted piglet on a Hawaiian BBQ, I can find things that I do enjoy about my job. Other than being able to boss people around, which I have been doing since the birth of my baby brother, my favorite things are my regulars. Here are some descriptions of my favorites. And yes, I play favorites. I find it makes the others strive harder for my approval, as well they should. Oh, also, I don't really have pictures of any of them, so I've supplemented them with pictures of adorable kittens, which I also love.

1. Todd and Donald

Todd and Donald are a young-er-ish gay couple who come in all the time. They were the first regulars that I got to know the names of. I like them because they laugh at my jokes and, also, because they know my name as well. Also, they like to take my recommendations on what to order, which always makes me feel good. Once, I got really excited and blurted out "You guys are my very favorites", quite loudly, I may add. This was after I told them that I was disappointed when I saw them walk right by the store earlier in the evening with out stopping by. Later, after I went in the back, they told one of my co-workers that they thought I was "moving too fast" for them and we needed to slow down our relationship. I'm sure it was out of jest...

2. Nancy

Nancy looks like she has had one too many Botox™ injections. Maybe it's because of this that she always seems to look happy to see me- as well as her Mini Mouse voice. Lady also loves her whipped cream. I think she prefers 3 parts whipped cream to every 1 part ice cream.

3. The Four Scoop Guy

There is this guy who comes in on occasion who usually gets four scoops of custard. I mostly just like him because he's cute. I think he is creeped out by me, though. One time he came in and I, with a little too much enthusiasm said "OH! You're the four scoop concrete guy! I remember!!"

4. Phil

Phil is this tiny old man, about my height, with a bit of a potbelly. His teeth are kind of crooked and his stubbly white beard needs some tending. Phil always gets a double scoop in a dish of the flavor of the day or chocolate, should he hate the flavor of the day. When the world cup was on, Phil shared his tale of disappointment with me when he lost a wager during the Spain vs. Germany game. He lost, so he says, $80 worth of quality balsamic vinegar on that game because of those "stupid Nazis". Once he came in with no shirt on, just some bling, shorts, a baseball cap and sandals. His little round belly was drastic in comparison to his chicken arms and legs.

5. Three Chocolate Scoops Man

I always forget this older man's name- I believe it is Bill or something similar. He comes in with his adorable older lady friend. He must be in his late 70's. He is very tall, nearly the opposite in stature from Phil. I love him. He has big round black glasses, no hair, a few teeth, and ALWAYS wears overalls. I like his consistency. Always three scoops of chocolate. Once he paid for him and his lady friend's ice cream in all quarters, but only because I suggested he do so when he pulled out a zip-lock full of money.

6. Sean Nelson

Of course. Not only does he think I'm funny, I'm pretty sure I may have, momentarily, convinced him that I am psychic. I also find myself making him off the menu items regularly, not because he asks for it, but because I insist he gets it. Also, the other day he stopped in right before closing time, right after a very busy night. We talked about how busy it was and how he was sorry he was coming in so late. Right as he was leaving, I went to lock the door and two people asked if they were too late. I told them that they could come in anyhow. Sean then asked me if a little piece of my soul died by letting them in after such a busy day right as we were closing. He asked if a little rainbow sprinkle of my soul melted away just then. It did. And of course, I can never tell him that I know he is the Harvey Danger guy. But I can sing Flag Pole Sitta at karaoke one day and secretly dedicate it to him.

I'd like to talk about the customers that I dislike, but there are too many of them. Also, I know that last picture wasn't a cute kitten, as promised, but I figured I could actually Google search Sean, whereas, it wouldn't be really feasible to Google "four scoop guy" and get my point across.

Competitive Edge

Here are a list of competitions that I believe, in my heart, that I could win. At local levels, of course.

Bread eating challenge

-The Challenge: To eat 2 pieces of white bread in under a minute.
-The Strategy: My strategy is, and has been proven effective, to tear the bread into tiny pieces, skip chewing all together and just swallow.
-Why I think I can win: Listen to me, I've done this. Well, almost. Garrett and I tried this a year ago and I was about 4 seconds off from completion due to the fact that I dropped a part of bread on the dirty, dirty ground and had to pick it up and eat it. Also, there was a time when I had a little problem that required me to drink a few gallons of cranberry juice, which, as a personal challenge, I did in due time. "But Whitney," I hear you refrain, "juice and bread are two different things." True, dear reader, however, I learned from that experience that my ability to swiftly, and with much repetition, swallow things is top notch. If this doesn't make sense to you, it is simply because you do not possess such powers.

Speed Alphabetizing:

-The Challenge: Alphabetize various books, movies, and files rapidly.
-The Strategy: Lady, know thy alphabet.
-Why I think I can win: Look, I know there are people far more OCD than I, but I've seriously alphabetized things in my dreams. I figure, if I can subconciously do it, I must have a one up on the competition.

Brand Name vs. Generic Brand Cereal Taste Test:

-The Challenge: Differentiate between brand name and generic cereals of the same general composition. Blind-folded.
-The Strategy: To focus mostly on texture and not as much on overall sweetness/artificial flavor.
-Why I think I can win: There have been two phases in my life that I think would help me in this challenge: my cereal phase, and my poor phase, which, at some point in time, overlapped, providing me with experience on both sides of the cereal quality spectrum.

Top Ramen Cook-off:

-The Challenge: Cook three Top Ramen dishes- one traditional, one with a slight variation, and one that uses T.R. in a creative method.
-The Strategy: While not being able to use Top Ramen creatively, my skills with traditional cooking methods and my variation are superb. My secret weapon in the "slightly varied dish" is, and I know you may puke in your mouth a little, a slice of processed Kraft Singles American Cheese. On or in nothing else would I ever eat a Kraft Single, but it is pure magic in ramen, especially Oriental (the least PC of them all) flavor.
-Why I think I can win: Because, as with the bread challenge, I sort of already have. My cousins and I competed last summer in said competition and I took home top honors. Also, given enough time to come up with a creative recipe, I think I would be able to round all three categories out nicely.

I don't really think any of these are real competitions... yet. Should they be, someday, I will be waiting. I will be ready. But only at a local level, of course.