Light My Fire

I'm sick of candles smelling like fruits and flowers. What's more, I'm sick of "holiday" candles that smell like "Holidazzle Cookies" or "Santa's Big Ride"... let the record show that those aren't really scents. They aren't even clever names. So, my new plan, when I make a bajillion dollars, is to have my own candle making factory (that would also double as a speak easy, both of which the logistics still need some obvious work). Most of the scents that I have come up with thus far are what I would consider "unconventional earthy" scents. Perhaps you are wondering what type of market is out there for such candles? Other than myself? Probability shows it would most likely be those silly "trendy" hipsters, Oprah, and maybe rest homes. So here is a list of non-traditional, but enjoyable, scents we would produce:

1.) Matches

Let's face it, the first 4 seconds of trying to light the candle via match and its 4 second successor- the smell of the match after it has been blown out- is the best part. So why not have a candle that smells like that in its entirety?

2.) Wood Chips

I used to keep various rodents as pets. Gross, whatever, I know, but save your judgement for someone who will use it. Granted the pets themselves smelled bad, no, terrible, but the fresh wood chips (I believe them to be cedar, but who knows) always made me really happy. I know there are candles that smell like pine/forest/winter wonderland, but I am talking cedar. CEDAR. Make it for me. Now.

3.) Spray Paint

This is going to be misconstrued, so before you make your assumptions, let me clear the freshly scented air by releasing this statement: I am not now, nor have I ever participated in, huffing spray paint. DARE. Even so, this does not stop my love affair with the smell of spray paint. In the world of paint, it simply smells the best. Therefore, there should be a candle scented as such.

4.) Toast*

This is as close as I think a candle should get to smelling like a baked good. Let me level with you- toast smells like food, but it is not overpowering; it is light and isn't going to make you want to vomit at 6 am if lit due to a power outage or natural disaster.

5.) Newsprint

New books, magazines, and even newspapers smell divine. I think this particular scent is like saying- "hey world, I am an intellectual", and what shitster... er, hipster, wouldn't want to say that? Especially if it meant they didn't actually have to read anything at all! I also recognize that this scent would have be really light, as we all know of the "Tacoma Aroma" and how bad paper mills smell. We wouldn't want that to happen, now would we? I thought not. Maybe it would be best to keep it smelling like glossy magazines.

6.) The inside of my dyer

I know there are already candles out there that smell like "cotton" and "fresh laundry", but I have yet to capture one that actually smells as good as freshly dried clothes. I want to put my bed sheets in the dryer right now just to have that experience. Should this candle company ever lift off, I promise you that I will perfect this scent.

7.) Carmex™

It smells good. Probably best used during winter months, though. Also, to emphasize the point, I think I would want to sell this particular candle in a holder that looks like a Carmex™ container. It might boost profits on this one, as it may be a harder sell than the previously listed items.

8.) Rubber Cement

As with the spray paint, I do not have a substance sniffing addiction. But you are a fool if you don't think rubber cement smells good. I could also make a substitution here for model glue, which is also fantastic.


I know this really isn't enough to constitute an entire line of candles, but it is a work in progress. Plus, it is something to get the ball rolling. Someday, you may come over to my house and wonder, (out loud, of course), "Whitney, is your roommate an arson, because it sure smells a lot like matches in here?" To which I will inform you that, no, (s)he is not, I am just burning the candle that smells like burning matches. And then I will probably give you one as a birthday/anniversary/Arbor Day gift or something. And yes, you can thank me now, in advance.

*Note: Smell should be that of unburnt toast.

Costumez

October is upon us, which means if you haven't already thought of, made and tailored your costume for this year, you are probably behind. Instead of giving you all of my good ideas, I have decided to go a step further and give you ideas of what you should not be and reasons why. Below is that list:

Slutty _______ (insert any noun or children's book character)

Let's get one thing straight: SLUT is not a costume, it is a way of life. If I wanted to see breasts, I'd run a google search. Also, it's effing October and most of us don't live in a sub-tropic climate where heels and booty shorts are weather appropriate. Even that aside, my biggest concern when it comes to slutty nursery rhyme or Disney movie characters, and maybe I am out of line on this, is this: why are you mixing sexual fantasies with childhood memories in the first place? I'm not going to assume anything by this, but from a non-pedophilia perspective, I'm just going to say that I don't quite "get it". But I guess, props, on putting out... er, putting yourself out there like that.

Superheros

Particularly from the latest blockbuster movie. Harsh as this may be, not everyone should wear nylon, loose fitting, but still oddly snug in the wrong places, costumes. I guess that is why it is imperative that a mask be worn at all times. It is okay for 4 year olds but not 34 year olds. Ever. Also, on a personal note, I hate how those costumes always have footie things to cover your shoes or at least the top part of your shoes. It is irksome for me.

Bunny or Kitten ears

Ears are not a costume- they are an accessory, unless you are at work and can not go all the way. But even then, there has to be other ears out there that are not of the bunny or kitty varie-tay.

Pimps

I guess with all of the slutty costumes running around there needs to be some order maintained... still, I try to think of hanging out with someone who would dress up like a pimp for Halloween and think it would probably be the same type of person I would vomit on normally if they tried to pick me up at a bar or something. And I'm not even going to touch the sexist, socio-economic or racial implications on this one, because then this blog would no longer be funny.

Santa Clause

It's a funny idea for about a minute, but then it just gets to be an interruption. It's like having a birthday party and your grandmother still brings your siblings a gift, even though it is not their birthday party (provided you aren't twins). Christmas gets enough play anyhow and already oversteps its boundaries into the Thanksgiving holiday before the turkey carcass is even cold, why should it be allowed to push itself into one more month where it doesn't belong?

Couples Costumes

Unless it is really, really creative, and they usually are not, I'm against them. A lock and key, prisoner and guard, ketchup and mustard, Huey Lewis and the News (okay maybe not so much), all just kind of disgust me. Listen, I get it- you're a couple. I got it when you started publicly making out and then inappropriately groping each other, not to mention from the evil looks your girlfriend is giving me- though I have no intention of even talking to you. Aside from that, the sad truth is that couples costumes are usually the result of one person being excited about Halloween and the other person not giving a shit.

Any and and all Wizard of Oz characters

Similar to couples costumes- only instead of being in a relationship, it is usually a group of single friends and usually the Dorthy's idea- not because she wants to dress up in group costumes, but because she wants to dress up like Dorothy and feels that her friends can serve as an accessory to her childhood dream. I just see a lot of Dorothy costumes every year and subsequently a lot of red glitter shoes on sale at the Good Will around the time of January or February.

Jesus or Moses

How will I know when the second coming of Christ or Moses occurs if there are a billion impostors running around on the 31st? Huh? If you are a male and have a beard, for what ever reason, either Jesus or a hippie seems to be the only default Halloween costume in your repertoire. Perhaps the beard and hair you grew over the last few months has cut you off from the creative ability you may have once possessed. I'm sort of sick of it. Plus, religion and Halloween really don't go well together and there really isn't enough irony to make this costume funny or original.

Clowns

Just because I am still slightly afraid of them.

Things That Are Dead To Me

Dear the following listed items,

I've given you a chance... many of you multiple chances. Chancity, chance, chance, chance and there's a good possibility that you will never get another, so take a good hard look at what you have done, come up with a plan of reconciliation, and get on your knees and tell me you love me or you and I are (in a hushed voice) over. I'll send you to a list where no amount of clapping can bring you back.

Truly yours,

Ms. Whitworth MD... PhD... emmm, MBA BS, the third.

#1: Myspace

Good luck getting off this list. I feel dirty even thinking about myspace.com. It's not even because it feels overly commercial, corporate, or professional for that matter. I'd get rid of it entirely if it wasn't still a good tool to use when "researching" people. "A Place for Friends"... more like a place for shitty rappers and shirtless bro's to try and lure me into looking at them. Eh, no thanks.

#2: Boom Noodle

Was alive to me, until I was sitting across from a friend at dinner. I ordered a bowl of white rice, he ordered SOMETHING THAT WAS MOVING (which I later found out are bonito flakes, and come from fishes) when it got to the table. It upset me so much tears began to well in me lil' eyes. True story. So please, for the love of God, don't let any food that I am near during meal time move. It's too much of a shock for my heart to take.

#3: Most of the state of South Dakota

And I say "most" because I don't know that I have experience all of the people or land mass to make a definite "all" yet. But I do feel comfortable sticking with "most" as my negative experiences have been too strong in this state to even go into detail. I don't think I have a single friend from the big SD. And should you be from there, can you at least do me the favor of pretending you are from North Dakota- which is a fine state or even Wyoming or Nebraska. Big D- as far as you and I am concerned- there is no "us" 'cause 'merica only has 49 states.

#4: Beecher's Handmade Cheese

YOU know what you did! Even trumping the deli, you were the worst... mostly due to the management (that is no longer there, may I add). Much like South Dakota, I have nothing left to say to you.

#5: Birthdays

I have forgot a considerable number of birthdays this year, including my dear mother's, been stood up by an entire birthday party, and as far as my own birthday this past year... no, wait, my birthday party was pretty fun, I must have been confusing it with something else. Be that as it may, I'm now at the age where birthday gifts aren't really given anymore and having a birthday is a big production anyway, so what is the point? Dead to me.

#6: Everyone on my "Do Not Answer" list in my phone

This is as close as I am going to get to even touching the category of individuals that have upset me enough to make this list. And yes, I do actually have a certain someones in my phone under "do not answer" as their name. Are you one of them? I don't know, try calling sometime and find out. It could be an adventure.

#7: The dogs upstairs

And if they don't quit their barking in about five seconds, they will be. At least we are down to only two of them again, instead of three. It is one thing to live in a basement under the scratching of doggie nails on the floor that doesn't stop during the larger portion of the day- but it is another to live under mean, smelly, old, unattractive dogs that bark at you even though you have been living there for a year. I hope they have their rabies shots because I have seen a lot of mean looking raccoons lately and mysteriously the gate might just be left open if those dogs don't start treating me a little better.

#8: The Cast of Full House, et al

You maybe asking the question "What has the cast of Full House ever done to you"? What have they done, period? Other than their lack of entertainment skills and ability to be, in any situation, unfunny or take up too much space on the cover of a gossip tabloid where P. Sway should be honored or his life and dance moves more completely? That's what I thought. Oh, by the way, America is still waiting for the funniest home video. Bob, youtube does your job so much better than you ever could and did.

#9: World Political News

Over it. OVER IT. Does nothing new ever happen in world politics? I mean, seriously, I think half of it is just stock footage/photos at this point in time. Gimme some dogs being rescued or kittens doing funny tricks. I never see foreign animals on in the news, which is a shame. If this could be promptly remedied, perhaps I would consider moving this off of this particular list.

#10: The Recession

I can only play so many Depression Era games before even I get bored. I just want a decent job, the excuses to stop, a better place to live and a manicure already. Recess... is over.



And that's about it. I'm officially tabooing these items.

My Addictions: A Detailed Description

I know there are steps to recovery, but I am just going to do this however I want, and that's okay, because I know you will all support me in my recovery process. So this is my first step: admitting to my addictions. Mom, dad, family, and friends, I know it may hurt you to hear this, but it's time I come clean.

Addiction List:

#1: Coke: Well, Diet, actually. Call it what you will, Diet Coke, DC, Lady Coke, Street Smack, it doesn't change what it is: liquid legal heroin. I've been on it for, well, almost a year now. I started this habit when working at Beecher's Handmade Cheese Co. I'd buy a can on my 10 minute break from across the way for only 50 cents! It spiraled and peaked near the middle of summer, when the Jing and I bought 6 24 packs because they were on sale buy three get three free, but I am happy to report I have only had one D.C. in the past week. Mostly because I am broke.


#2: Staying up past 4 am: Maybe it's all of the Coke (diet). All I'll say is that this is my witching hour, so let me do whatever it is I do during this time while you are getting your beauty rest in. Plus, at 4 am, I can rest assured that I am not going to miss any of your text messages or calls- in other words, you should feel honored that I would stay up so late for you! So that I won't miss talking or texting you!

#3: Breakfast Burritos: The genius behind this food is that it can be eaten, oh, say, ANYTIME. Name me an hour when this meal is not appropriate. Go on... go ahead, name a time... What's that you say, 4 am? Not true, just ate one an hour ago I made and consumed one while all of you were soundly asleep, and that is a fact. Was it dinner? Breakfast? Kind of both. Yah know, few foods can transition from the dinner hour to the breakfast hour with such ease.


#4: Memorizing the Presidents: For the past three days I have taken it upon myself to be able to list the presidents (thanks must be paid to sporcle.com for the availability of their quiz on U.S. Presidents), in exact order, both backwards and forwards. So far I can do it forwards in just under 2 minutes and backwards in just over. What's that you say, who came before and after Harrison? Why Cleveland... both times. OH..OH, and who came between Tyler and Taylor? Was it Pierce... NOPE, wrong P named prezzzz pal, it was Polk. POLK. AHAH! Take that 5 year old geniuses whose parents "claim" they know all of the Presidents of the youknightedstates of 'merica, well so do I! Ha!


#5: Back to the Future: It is past 5:30 a.m. and I am watching this movie for... errrr... the fourth(?) time in the past 24(ish) hours. Whatev's, right? I'm not saying this movie is my favorite, or even in my top 10 favorite movies, but let's take a look at this movie and it's greatness for one moment: It lays down sweet tracks from Huey Lewis and the News, it features teeny-tiny Michael J. Fox at his most adorable, it gave us phrases like "hello McFly (which, granted, I may be the only person who actually uses this phrase, but it could catch on)" and "make like a tree and get out of here", it taught us about flux capacitors and it personally makes me hold out hope for a Delorean comeback. And lastly, this particular science-fiction-romantic-comedy-family flick predicted that we will have flying cars by 2015... which I believe could happen and am presently looking forward to flying one. And remember kiddos, you can change your present/future by changing your parents' past, all you need is a nuclear powered time-machine courtesy plutonium from Libyan Nationalists.


#6: Black Coffee and a packet of Sugar in the Raw: Whether it is iced coffee with the packet of sugar in directly in the coffee, or if it is hot and I am licking sugar off of a spoon while drinking black tar, I can't quit. Truth be told, my insides are killing me for this and I think it may also affect #2, but dammit, make my second cup a third. Mmmm. Good.


#7: Craig's List Missed Connections and the Stranger's I Saw U's: I check these, especially MC's, more than I check my email on average. Why? Well, who is to say I am always looking for myself? I will have you know, creepy though it may sound, I am also checking diligently to see if any of these spottings are not only for me, but also for you. So far, nothing has really stood out, except that one time that I found an I Saw U for John. But you have my word, as long as I remain an addict, I'll keep checking... for you... for the children.

#8: The Central Library: Suit me up, I'm going in... at least once, NO, twice a week lately. Yes, I am aware that the Douglass Truth Library is closer and even the Capital Hill branch is more conveniently located and has more DVD selection and is very well organized, but I don't really give a shit. I like the feeling of the Central Library. I love checking out music there, and I feel like a girl genius after exiting. Plus, it allows me to traverse to the down town area, which I feel as though I have yet to explore.


#9: Making lists: Which is kind of what this blog is about in the first place, but lately my lists have been primarily to-do lists occasionally broken up by the "might as well be dead to me" lists, "friend inventories" and "things that I probably shouldn't think are funny, but do".... you know, the type of lists that I can't really post due to the hurting of feelings that may be blamed on me in future interactions with people I am still in contact with.

I think this list is the bulk of it. Sure, there are others- watching videos of baby animals on youtube while I listen to Coltrane, certain "crush" obsessions, wearing bandannas in my hair and putting my sheets in the dryer at night without even washing them just so that they will be warm and smell good as I drift off to sleep, but those things have already been leaked to the public, so I decided to skip noting them, but they definitely deserve some sort of honorable mention.

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

This is not a letter confessing how much I love, miss, and need you- true as it may be- but rather a letter to re-emphasise my plea that you make and mail me something delicious. I did my research and Googled different things all with the predecessor "delicious" in the search box (i.e. "delicious food item"). I tried to find images that looked delicious, but that you would still be capable and willing to make. And, per our conversation on the phone, I know you have time to make said item(s) because you confessed you are bored a lot and spend a lot of time on www.facebook.com. I request 1-3 of these items on this list.

Love,
Your Golden Child
Heart Heart
Whitney

Item 1: Delicious Cherry Pie
As this was the original item I requested (and I must mention, these items are not necessarily in order... but yet again, somewhat are), I felt it necessary to reinstate my desire for it.













Item 2: Delicious Banana Bread
Not only does it nourish me with its 100% real banana fruit and satisfy my insatiable hunger for something sweet other than the coconut flakes we have in our cupboard, it also could provide your loving daughter with several breakfasts. Plus, I know you have bananas, you said so yourself. And, for the record and not just because I am trying to score some baked goods out of the deal, I think you make the best banana bread in the world!














Item 3: Delicious Cookies (these pictured are chocolate candy/chip types! There is also a peanutbutter variety pictured... if you make that one, could you also add some chocolate bits?)
This was actually the second thing I originally asked for, as I thought it might provide a good activity for you and the grandkids, while feeding me at the same time. Added bonus: cookies travel well in the mail, and I am sure they would ship 500 miles and they would ship 500 more just to be the snack to get dropped at my door. (and yes, I was singing that last line to the song about walking 1000 miles blah blah blahblahblah).















Item 4: Delicious Chocolate Cake
Remember how I used to hate chocolate, in particular, chocolate cake? Well not anymore mama! I want chocolate on chocolate, and please, nothing "butter-cream" based. I want the good stuff. Coco based only! Box if you must, but be gentle with the frosting. It is the most important part. I kind of want the cake to look like the cake that is served to that boy on Matilda... only, not as much. Heck, you can keep the majority of the cake and just send me a slice.













Item 5: Delicious Brownies
This is probably the easiest thing on the whole damn list, as it only takes (and I am pretty sure, though I don't have a box in front of me) 2 tbs oil and an egg at, like, oh say 350 for 30-40 minutes depending on the pan depths and measurements and material from wince it came. You can take all sorts of www.facebook.com quizes while you wait on that. Then, and this is my one special request for the brownies, sprinkle some powdered sugar on top, wouldja? Just as the picture shows.



















Item 6: Delicious Christmas Cookies
I am probably the only person who craves off-season hard crumbly Christmas cookies covered with equally hard frosting and, if at all possible, those little silver edible beads that are now illegal in some states. I lub them. Oh, and PS, I only want these cookies in the following shapes: Christmas Trees and Reindeer.















Item 7: Delicious Casserole
You used to make Tuna Noodle Casserole®­ all the time. I know it wont travel well, and I know I don't eat meat or fish of any sort, so there is a lot going against this casserole being sent. You would have to make it with cream of celery, because I hate cream of mushroom, and probably chickpeas for tuna and lots of extra crackers. I just want it. I guess I will make it myself. That is why I listed it as number five. Silly pipe dream, that's all.













Might I remind you, the majority of this lust for dessert comes from the fact that I can't spend money on sweets right now, as I have other financial ventures to tend to first. I just felt as though that needed to be thrown haphazardly out there... just as a disclaimer.

Thanks Mom in advance!
LOVE YOU!