Papa Don't Preach

Bellow are some lil' quips and words of wisdom that show the juxtaposition of my parents perspectives on relationships and sex. I like the contrast in this list.

-Advice from Mom: (To my friends)- "Do you masturbate? I hope you do. You know, masturbation is the safest form of sex."

-Wisdom from Dad: "You know, Whitney, males never really mature past 13. If they tell you otherwise, they're lying."

-Mom (in one long breath): (On my supposed kidney infection): "Are you having sex? I don't care if you are, I just need to know. You know, sex causes these things. I know you don't want to hear this, but when I first started dating Bill, our sex caused a kidney infection. I mean, you're probably having sex. Limit your partners. You could avoid this if you would limit your partners."

-Dad: "I don't want to hear about this. Don't talk to me about kissing boys. You better not be kissing any boys. Are you trying to give me a heart attack? I don't want to hear about this."

-Mom: (On me being stressed out)- "Having sex helps."

-Dad: "No guy better ever touch my daughter. I used to be a cop. I know how to hide a body. The Berkly Pitt is pretty deep."

-Mom: (On whether or not to give me a hope chest for High School graduation)- "What's the point? It's not like you're ever going to get married. I have no hope for that, so why get you a hope chest?"

-Dad: (On whether or not I'm having children)- Me- "I'm not going to have kids. Ever. Period." Dad- "Oh yes you are. Probably not any time soon. You're too smart for that. You're brother on the other hand... well, I wouldn't doubt if he was the next father of our country."

-Mom: "You know your problem? Your clothes. If you dressed better, you'd probably get more second dates."

-Dad: "Let the guy chase you. If you're chasing the guy, you're doing something wrong."

-Dad: "Guys are really very simple. We don't think in complex terms."

-Mom: "I'll never understand men. You probably wont either. Don't bother trying."

A Red Ryder BB Gun... With a Compus in the Stock

Dear Sandy Claws...
What I really, really want for Christmas this year (aside from money, of course) is the following:

*also note* For most of these items, feel free to purchase at the Goodwill or any second hand store. Except for the socks. I want those new. And my birthday is exactly two weeks from Christmas, so if you miss the Deck 25th boat, you got another shot! So lucky!

Really warm wool socks

...because my house is so effing cold.
Price Point: About $10... unless you can knit.

Old-timey metal TV trays

I would like the larger ones- but I'd also take the kind you can eat breakfast in bed with. This is one of the things that I don't need new. Just in decent shape, as I can always re-do the tops. On second thought, if I am going to Montana for Christmas, better just let someone in Seattle get me this for my birthday or something.
Price Point: Used- $5 new $15-30. I would like 2.

A record player

It can be purchased used, as long as it works and has a functioning needle. Again though, maybe not the best thing to try and bring back on a plane with me. I guess it depends on the size.
Price Point: Used- $30-$50 New- $70-100

A new phone

Preferably this one... wink, wink, father... how about for my birthday? A model similar perhaps? Okay, this is really my luxury item on this list (well, I guess TV Trays are as well, sort of), but a girl can dream. A girl can dream.
Price Point: $100 (and monthly service would change slightly).

A big plastic drinking cup

Okay, I know I can easily get this at any thrift store or a 7-11, but that is not the point. The point is, so can you! For me! Crap, you can even just give me one out of your cupboards for all I care. These over-sized promotional drinking cups are great for bed time. Anyone who has one knows what I mean. I once had one really good bed time plastic cup, but Hoku stole in a few years ago.
Price Point: Free dollars - $1.00 (or if you get a drink, consume it, and then wash out the cup, it is like, less than free dollars, almost as if I was giving you a gift).

The movie Man of the House

Judge at your leisure. I don't care. It doesn't even have to be on DVD. In fact, I think I'd rather it be on VHS. I've searched high and low at all of the thrift stores imaginable for this movie, it is impossible to find. I mean, who really wants to watch it anyway? It sucks. So one would think there would be a bajillion copies floating about. Nope. No there are not. But for me, it's a gem. And I want it.
Price Point: $7 used $10 new probably $0.25 on VHS.

Whitening Strips

This is my vanity item on this years Christmas list.
Price Point: $20-25

A red cardigan

I need more color in my wardrobe. Size medium.
Price Point: $20-40 new $8-15 used

Total cost of my birthday and Christmas Combined: .High estimate: $316 pre-tax $$
.Low estimate: $184 pre-tax $$
Divided by 2 holidays, divided by multiple people. CHEAP!

Mom, dad, grandparents, lovas... I made a registry online at this link View MyGiftList. Mostly, I don't want 10 copies of Man of the House. It will remind you of price points, along with some websites and pointers on where to find these items.

Love,
Whitney, whose been pretty good for part of this year.

Regretables '09

The year is waning, which means it is time to confront my regrets of '09 and hope to jeezus that I don't have anymore before the end of the oo's and the beginning of the 20teens.

Here they are, or as many as I can remember- and for those of you who say you have no regrets, you lie:

Work:
-Working for Garden City Group.
-Working for Safeway.
-Working for Beecher's Handmade Cheese.
-Taking that job with the Switch program that never actually was a real job, and thus, losing my job at Beecher's.
-Making out with various cheese maker's who also worked at Beecher's.

Boys:
-Making out with various cheese maker's who also worked at Beecher's.
-Developing unrealistic expectations for males in their 20's.
-Letting Joe watch movies with Mallory and I late at night in my room when he smelled like smoke, subsequently making my whole room smell like smoke.
-Making the Molly Ringwald disgusted face from Sixteen Candles whenever a cute boy would approach me.
-Not asking enough questions when the timing was appropriate.

Cats:
-Not getting one.

Troublemaking:
-Cutting off that police officer and then getting pulled over. However, I do NOT regret not getting a ticket.
-General plotting/scheming.
-Acquiring additional parking tickets.
-Knocking over the tip jar at Cupcake Royal after Moe Bar happy hour.
-Not sending that "card" to my arch nemesis. (Which I still may have regretted if I would have followed through with it).

Money:
-Not picking up that $100 bill off of the ground before Mallory's friend snatched it up.
-Spending cash on frivolities like lattes instead of drip coffee.
-Over drawing my bank account multiple times. Some on purpose.
-Letting my student loans lapse.
-Paying to watch a movie at Pacific place when I should have just used my free ticket.
-Not tipping as much/often as I should.

Technology:
-Spilling coffee on my computer.
-Using technology to inappropriately, well, let's call a rose a rose, "stalk" people via facebook, twitter, myspace, and what have you. You do it too!
-Watching too many movies in bed.
-Sporcle-ing... a lot.
-Texting people when/who I shouldn't have been texting.
-Giving in to twitter.
-Using Craig's List to try and find roommates, jobs, furniture, well, anything actually.

Fashion:
-Plaid overkill.
-Wearing through too many pairs of leggings.
-Wearing through my red belt.
-Breaking my black heals.
-Buying that white dress that I never wore.
-That shiny dress that matched Mallory's that we wore to karaoke one time.
-Wearing through my cream colored cardigan.
-Sometimes not changing my clothes for a day or so.

Et cetera:
-Spending the holidays alone due to poor weather.
-Not visiting my mom more when she lived closer.
-Losing at Settler's of Catan on numerous occasions.
-Eating expired food.
-Barfing.

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

This is not a letter confessing how much I love, miss, and need you- true as it may be- but rather a letter to re-emphasise my plea that you make and mail me something delicious. I did my research and Googled different things all with the predecessor "delicious" in the search box (i.e. "delicious food item"). I tried to find images that looked delicious, but that you would still be capable and willing to make. And, per our conversation on the phone, I know you have time to make said item(s) because you confessed you are bored a lot and spend a lot of time on www.facebook.com. I request 1-3 of these items on this list.

Love,
Your Golden Child
Heart Heart
Whitney

Item 1: Delicious Cherry Pie
As this was the original item I requested (and I must mention, these items are not necessarily in order... but yet again, somewhat are), I felt it necessary to reinstate my desire for it.













Item 2: Delicious Banana Bread
Not only does it nourish me with its 100% real banana fruit and satisfy my insatiable hunger for something sweet other than the coconut flakes we have in our cupboard, it also could provide your loving daughter with several breakfasts. Plus, I know you have bananas, you said so yourself. And, for the record and not just because I am trying to score some baked goods out of the deal, I think you make the best banana bread in the world!














Item 3: Delicious Cookies (these pictured are chocolate candy/chip types! There is also a peanutbutter variety pictured... if you make that one, could you also add some chocolate bits?)
This was actually the second thing I originally asked for, as I thought it might provide a good activity for you and the grandkids, while feeding me at the same time. Added bonus: cookies travel well in the mail, and I am sure they would ship 500 miles and they would ship 500 more just to be the snack to get dropped at my door. (and yes, I was singing that last line to the song about walking 1000 miles blah blah blahblahblah).















Item 4: Delicious Chocolate Cake
Remember how I used to hate chocolate, in particular, chocolate cake? Well not anymore mama! I want chocolate on chocolate, and please, nothing "butter-cream" based. I want the good stuff. Coco based only! Box if you must, but be gentle with the frosting. It is the most important part. I kind of want the cake to look like the cake that is served to that boy on Matilda... only, not as much. Heck, you can keep the majority of the cake and just send me a slice.













Item 5: Delicious Brownies
This is probably the easiest thing on the whole damn list, as it only takes (and I am pretty sure, though I don't have a box in front of me) 2 tbs oil and an egg at, like, oh say 350 for 30-40 minutes depending on the pan depths and measurements and material from wince it came. You can take all sorts of www.facebook.com quizes while you wait on that. Then, and this is my one special request for the brownies, sprinkle some powdered sugar on top, wouldja? Just as the picture shows.



















Item 6: Delicious Christmas Cookies
I am probably the only person who craves off-season hard crumbly Christmas cookies covered with equally hard frosting and, if at all possible, those little silver edible beads that are now illegal in some states. I lub them. Oh, and PS, I only want these cookies in the following shapes: Christmas Trees and Reindeer.















Item 7: Delicious Casserole
You used to make Tuna Noodle Casserole®­ all the time. I know it wont travel well, and I know I don't eat meat or fish of any sort, so there is a lot going against this casserole being sent. You would have to make it with cream of celery, because I hate cream of mushroom, and probably chickpeas for tuna and lots of extra crackers. I just want it. I guess I will make it myself. That is why I listed it as number five. Silly pipe dream, that's all.













Might I remind you, the majority of this lust for dessert comes from the fact that I can't spend money on sweets right now, as I have other financial ventures to tend to first. I just felt as though that needed to be thrown haphazardly out there... just as a disclaimer.

Thanks Mom in advance!
LOVE YOU!

Mothers Day 09

This one is dedicated to my mother- because I didn't get you a Mother's Day gift this year.  Sorry for the, er, belatsion (and yes, I just created that word.)  

This is a little special glimpse into my family life, which may be a rare opportunity, so cease this moment, cuddle up with your loved one, and get to know a little bit about a woman I call mom.  

And so, to celebrate my mother, I have compiled a list of my all time favorite moments... some may call them precious moments, in which she was livid, and I mean really angry.  Fond memories ma:  

1.) When I didn't clean my room- Only once did the threats of throwing all of my shit away if I didn't clean up my room ever come into fruition.  I refused to pick-up my room for two or so weeks in the fourth grade and one night my mother went into my room with a big black garbage bag.  The bag from the kitchen.  The bag with garbage water and banana peels and leftover sloppy joes in it.  I only rescued a few things on the top.  Even back then I wouldn't go dumpster diving, not even for my own things.  If you ask my current roommates, I am sure they would say that I still haven't learned my lesson.

2.) When my I learned to drive- When I was first learning to drive, my mother instructed me to pull into the gas station so she could buy cigarettes.  I overshot my right turn, drove the van up and onto the sidewalk, into a bunch of bushes and ruined her oil pan.  No pedestrians were harmed in the process.

3.) When the cat came back- Kali Nanna, our calico cat, had a batch of kittens: Milo, Honey, Jean, and Oreo Elvis Presley.  One day, with out informing my younger brother and me, she took the kittens down to the Co-Op gas station near our house, as it was there that they had a cage for "free" kittens (usually given away to farmers and ranchers to become field cats).  Michael and I came home from school, discovered this, and raced, our little hearts pounding, down to rescue these kittens.  We only managed to rescue Honey and Jean, Milo and O.E.P. had already been adopted.  I don't know which she was more angry at, my brother and me for bringing back two kittens she really didn't want, or the gas station for letting two kids freely take animals with out question.  Oddly enough she let us keep Honey and Jean after their rescue.  We never questioned this decision.  

4.) When my younger brother learned to drive

My brother learned to drive at a much younger age than I.... when he was 5.  My mom picked me up from a friends house and left my brother in the car.  Somehow, he managed to put the car in drive, drive through my friend's garage door, then throw the car into reverse and take out their fence.

5.) The Christmas pie incident

My younger brother was in pre-school, I was in kindergarten.  It was Christmas day and there was one piece of pie left over from dinner.  It was cherry pie.  My younger brother had saved it... not only saved it, but licked it and made sure he marked his territory.  Later that night he decided to consummate his pie lust- whipped cream and all- might I remind you, this was the last piece of dessert in our entire house, aside from the usual stocking candy.  For some reason my dad was in a bit of a mood and decided to get rid of our Christmas tree post haste- incidentally dragging the tree over the cherry pie right as my brother was abut to chomp on the first bite.  No bites were had, but plenty of tears were and my mother was furious at my dad for "ruining" Christmas for everyone.   

And finally, my all time favorite moment when my mother was pissed off, I call this one

6.) The video: 

For sake of protection for the parties involved (i.e. my younger brother- gosh he is in a lot of these stories- and his friend Nathan), I am going to simplify this story.. you'll get the idea.

-This is from the perspective of my friend Kristin and I while watching the incident at a safe distance at the park across the field from our house:

1. Mom Comes Home- Kristin and I see van slowly pulling up the long drive way to our house, we have no time to reach the parties (my 10 year old brother and his friend) inside the house before she gets there first.

2. Mom enters house

3. Moments later, mom leaves the house carrying video

4. Mom steps on video.... over, and over, and over again

5. Mom throws said video in our dumpster

6. Nathan begs my mom not to tell his mom

7. Van drives rapidly away from house- where to?  I do not know.