Abstentee Ballot

I haven't written a blog in a long time. Do you know why? Boys. Duh. And you knew that, so there was no point in reiterating it. Also Scott- but seeing as he is a male cat, he falls into the category (not to burden you with that pun), of a boy. For this, I apologize. Let's put our hands in and make a pack to never let a boy come between us again- giggle-ty giggle-ty giggle. This, of course, will not last, as we all know- I can go boyless for, oh, about an hour-and-a-half, give or take 75 minutes.

But, on the bright side, I have been writing more about these temporary male companions, and considered re-opening the "today's date" blog, but it may be too "steamy" for the likes of, oh, say, my mother, who snoops and reads and subscribes to my blog. However, should this compilation I'm working on ever get published, I'll send you a copy- provided that you send me cash in return.

And if I've "dated" or "made-out with you" for a pro-longed period of time in the past three years, I've probably written about you. In fact, I've probably told you that I've written about you, but like always, you've probably forgot. Also, I've probably given you a dumb effing nick name, like, "boy with the dragon tattoo", only shorter, less of a knock-off of Steig Larson(?) , and more applicable to my life. And yes, I actually plan on publishing these stories some day- and yes, I come off just as bad as you do, as I'm a selfish, overly analytical little prat and it shows. And no, you can't change your dumb nick name, for whatever reason, you deserved it.

I'd like to also take a minute to make this plea: I don't hate all of the boys I've dated, in fact, I still very much like many of them and am friends with a few, or at least try to maintain some sort of friendship. The rest... I hate.

And yes, some of the Christmas cards I'm sending out have the caption "This is why I'm single".

G-Units of Time

Sometimes I really, truly believe I am an old person trapped in a young person's body- until I reviewed the things that my grandmothers enjoy, many of which I do not. But then, upon further review, I found almost an equal amount of things that these women enjoy that I find myself also in agreement with. Below are lists of things they like and I do not, followed by something that we both can agree upon:

Glass Art

Glass art makes me want to vomit- which I'm sure would be more artistically interesting then the blown glass at any rate, not to mention more intentional. My grandmother(s) liking glass art only confirms my suspicions that it is intended fort the eyes of the elderly only.

Garage Sales

When I was younger, I remember going garage sale-ing with both of my grandmothers, separately of course. I still garage sale, as do they. Some of my annual Christmas gifts come from yard sales, and some of theirs will as well.

Irish Literature

My grandma McEldery loves Irish literature, so much so that she has given me several novels. These literary works are often heavily laden with romance, which is not really the type of reading I prefer to do in my spare time. Grandma's digging it, though.

Harry Potter

My grandmother was actually the one who got me reading Harry Potter- unintentionally back during my freshman year of high school. Originally given to my younger brother as a Christmas gift after my grandmother read the first few books and really liked them. When Michael chose not to read it, I decided to read it for myself, as not to let a book go to waste. I ended up really liking it- and still do, no embarrassment there... at least it's not the Twilight saga, which I will not ever read, or watch (and what little I have seen has made me vomit in the aforementioned art-like style that would give Chihuly a run for his money).

Slot Machines

Grandma Flo loves 'em. We call them, in her case and her case only, the 'chines'. I've never been into video poker. Too rich for my blood and I've never bothered to learn the rules.

Scratch Tickets

Scratch tickets, on the other hand, we both enjoy. They're cheap and entertaining. I also like them because I don't have to spend a significant amount of time losing, unlike with video poker.

Liver

I think it's an old person thing. I'll be honest, I've never had it, and now that I'm a vegetarian, never will. Whenever I smell it cooking, it also makes me want to vomit in technicolor. I hate thinking about eating liver nearly as much as I hate smelling it. I hate thinking about eating a meat that's function during it's prime is to secrete bile. How could that possibly be delicious, granny?

Crushed Ice

Crushed ice, however, is delicious. It's one anorexic meal I can really delve into. Whenever I am at my Grandma McEldery's house, even if it is the dead of winter in Montana, I will take a Styrofoam cup, as those are the to-go cups I find she carries most frequently in her pantry, and topple it with crushed ice to eat on my way to wherever I am off to.

Dickies

I don't like turtle neck shirts to begin with, and I especially don't like them when they aren't even an entire shirt. I don't know why my grandmother likes them so much. When I am going to wear clothes, aside from under garments and those that are similar, I want them to be in their entirety- I want my money's worth, dammit!

Crew Neck Sweatshirts

Who doesn't like a nice crew neck sweatshirt? I know my grandmas and I do. It accentuates our neck-line the way hoodies just cannot.

Lawrence Welk

What the hell is this shit? Look, classic television is one thing, but Lawrence Welk... I just will not watch. I'll watch the Saturday Night Live parodies, but that's about as close as I will get to seeing eye to eye with my granny on this one.

Golden Girls

This is the type of classic television I was talking about. I can easily share a chuckle or two over the episode where the ladies go to buy condoms with either of my grandmothers. Yeah, something about those women make that topic of conversation less awkward, as with many other would be taboo subjects.

Beyonce

My grandma Flo loves Beyonce. She's told me that she thinks Beyonce is hot. I can't argue there, but I'm not really a huge fan. She, on the other hand, is.

Elvis

Now here is some older music that I can tolerate. I'm not saying I have Elvis on my iPod, I do not, and I would never bring him back from the dead, let alone believe he is or at one point post-mortem, was undead- but when Elvis comes on, sure, why not?

Perms

May my hair never be the length suitable for a perm. I do love, though, how happy my grandmother's get after they get perms. I also love the chemical smell. That's about the only common ground I could ever find with my grandma's on that hairstyle choice.

Hair Combs

I have been known, from time to time, to wear the occasional hair comb to hold back my flowing locks. Please know this of me, I don't like sparkly hair combs or hair combs with butterflies or other accouterments either.

Box Wine

Common! I have some class. Charles Shaw at the very least- the bottle is reusable. Grandma, on the other hand, does not give her wine drinking this same consideration.

Boxes of Petit Fours

Give me a box of mini-cakes any day. Better yet, give my grandma McEldery a box of petit fours for Christmas and I'll just take half home for myself, which is what happens every year.

Gaudy Jewelery

Grandma Flo loves herself some bling. She's more hip-hop then I am, upon adding this to her Beyonce fetish. If it sparkles, she's on it! Or rather, it's on her. Not on me, though, I'm a jewelery minimalist these days.

Gaudy Nick-knacks

Grandma Flo collects angels, grandma McEldery collects fairies and elves, I, collect little toys, zombie action figures, and glass cats. We all collect these items as gifts or from yard sales and thrift stores.

Lost in Translation

One of the things that really bothers me is when something I normally like is ruined by joining forces with something else. Examples:

Pretzels
Pretzels in Chex-Mix

I don't know really what changes here. Sure, it's still, in it's essence, the same hard/stale, slightly salted bread-y snack adored by Germans and non-Germans alike. Sure, the outer coating still reminds me of hot glue melting in my mouth, a pleasurable experience, I must admit. But for some cray-zay reason, when a pretzel is surrounded by superior tasting, or at least superior in their salt-heavy content, snacks- I can't stand the sight of them, let alone bland taste.

Things
Things in Grab bags

Grab bag. Psssh. More like Garb-bag-e. Okay, admittedly, that was a stretch. How about, more like crap bag. Yeah, that works. I'll be perfectly honest, I love buying useless items. I also like surprises. But, for some reason, whenever useless items are combined in a mystery bag with other, equally useless items, they lose their luster. Also, grab bags are frustrating because you maybe get one good surprise, and everything else is just junk that takes up space until time can be found to take it to Goodwill, where it will probably be re-grab bagged for the next sucka who feels compelled by the same mystery of it all.

Knights
Knights in White Satin

I actually believe the song to be "Nights in White Satin"... either way, that song is terrible.

Dogs
Dogs in Clothing

What's one way to ruin a cute animal? Put a goddamn sweater on it, let alone a rain jacket, or a tuxedo. Listen, part of my privilege of being a human is that I get to be fashionable. I don't want to have to compete with an animal on who is the better dressed species- as their clothes often times cost more than mine, which is unfair.

Skirt
Skirt + Shorts

This, for the males (who are not in the know) out there is called a "skort". Let me just say, I know the risks I run while wearing a skirt. Yeah, sometimes my underwear are going to be flashed to the world- that's why I wear them (the underwear, not the skirt. I do not wear a skirt for their easy public flashing capabilities). I do not need the added protection of a pair of shorts underneath my skirt to prevent the inevitable. Plus, the back of the skirt looks like shorts, in many of the varieties I have seen. It's a total mind fuck. Stay away, my fellow vixens! STAY AWAY!

But then... there are those rare occasions when two things that I love combine forces and create masterpieces- here are my top three:

Hall and Oates
Hall and Oates and Keyboard Cat

Duh. Youtube it if you don't believe me.

Diet Coke
Diet Coke and Cherry Coke

Even though I don't drink either now- back in my days of coke addiction, the rare Diet Cherry Coke (not to be confused with Cherry Coke Zero) was a beverage fit for the gods. If it would have been invented back in the day, Jesus Christ would have turned that water, not into wine, but into Diet Cherry Coke. I promise you this.

Sandwich
Asian Food and Sandwich

A banh-mi tofu sandwich is probably the best fusion I could ever think of consuming. Let's re-cap what's to love about said sandwich: french bread/baguette, tofu (or for those who prefer the flesh of middle-aged animals, you may be tempted by the pulled pork or a variety of meats that are equally as delectable), cilantro, pickled carrots, cucumbers, something white that may be radish- but I've never really ventured to question, and for those of you who don't pick yours off, as I do, jalapenos. Oh, and a mystery Asian Sauce. If this were to be written out as a math equation, it might read: sandwich + Vietnam + secret sauce + only $2.25 = things Whitney loves.

Bonfire Material

Though I in no way have the credibility to post this, here are fashions and trends that I do hope go out of style, and post haste. That was a pun. Yes, you probably own these items. Yes you probably wear them. And yes, I probably secretly make fun of you. I'm just sick of barfing, okay?

-Ugg Boots-

Which, I feel, are already not really considered stylish anymore, but we need to kill this one dead. For good.

-Gladiator Shoes-

Now that it is cold out, I at least wont have to barf all over peoples pedicures for another few months.

-"Unique" Baby Names-

Apple, Blanket, Forest, Panda, what ever. Enough. Name your kids something other than the first object you see.

-Glasses Without a Prescription-

Some of us really need them, okay! Why don't you wear braces on your legs or teeth and make that disability trendy for a while?

-Tiny People-

I don't care if it is really spindly guys, skeletal girls, or little people- I want to be able to see you with my prescription glasses, so if we could remedy this trend, it would be of some help.

-Jean Dresses-

For preschool teachers only you hipsters! They need these dresses!

-Super Blondes-

I'm usually not a fan of blondes anyway, but seriously, the over bleached hair has got to stop. It makes your hair look like cotton candy, which is confusing for some of us. Some of us who like to EAT cotton candy. Also, note, she's a tiny person. Two in one! Yahtzee!!!

-Clothes for Dogs-

It's like dressing children as adults. I don't get it. I don't like it. Stop.

-Vests on Girls-

Only on super models does this trend not look dumb. I'm all for gender bending, but vests are for guys. So are ties. Let's leave it there. It's just confusing, okay? I have a hard enough time trying to tell the boys from the girls around here these days. I need a little help. Also note, that in this picture, there are toeless boot things and gladiator sandals. I wouldn't be friends with any of these girls.

-Flower Print Tights-

Certain prints that I see everywhere just make you look like you have really veiny legs, which make me think of old people... which was not what you were going for. This isn't my best example, but you get the picture. Pun.

-Boho Long Dresses-

Even if you weigh 100 lbs and are 6 ft tall it gives you no shape. Quit wearing these oddly printed dresses or don't expect me to stop asking when the baby is due any time.

-Toeless Boots-

Maybe I just hate feet- a lot- but this is like wearing a belly shirt sweater. Lacks function, purpose, and class. I don't care if they were $500. They're dumb.

-Lady Gaga Halloween Costume-

This was ridiculous. Every single place I went- Lady Gaga, Lady Gaga, Lady Gaga, Lady Ga-ga-gag me.

Regretables '09

The year is waning, which means it is time to confront my regrets of '09 and hope to jeezus that I don't have anymore before the end of the oo's and the beginning of the 20teens.

Here they are, or as many as I can remember- and for those of you who say you have no regrets, you lie:

Work:
-Working for Garden City Group.
-Working for Safeway.
-Working for Beecher's Handmade Cheese.
-Taking that job with the Switch program that never actually was a real job, and thus, losing my job at Beecher's.
-Making out with various cheese maker's who also worked at Beecher's.

Boys:
-Making out with various cheese maker's who also worked at Beecher's.
-Developing unrealistic expectations for males in their 20's.
-Letting Joe watch movies with Mallory and I late at night in my room when he smelled like smoke, subsequently making my whole room smell like smoke.
-Making the Molly Ringwald disgusted face from Sixteen Candles whenever a cute boy would approach me.
-Not asking enough questions when the timing was appropriate.

Cats:
-Not getting one.

Troublemaking:
-Cutting off that police officer and then getting pulled over. However, I do NOT regret not getting a ticket.
-General plotting/scheming.
-Acquiring additional parking tickets.
-Knocking over the tip jar at Cupcake Royal after Moe Bar happy hour.
-Not sending that "card" to my arch nemesis. (Which I still may have regretted if I would have followed through with it).

Money:
-Not picking up that $100 bill off of the ground before Mallory's friend snatched it up.
-Spending cash on frivolities like lattes instead of drip coffee.
-Over drawing my bank account multiple times. Some on purpose.
-Letting my student loans lapse.
-Paying to watch a movie at Pacific place when I should have just used my free ticket.
-Not tipping as much/often as I should.

Technology:
-Spilling coffee on my computer.
-Using technology to inappropriately, well, let's call a rose a rose, "stalk" people via facebook, twitter, myspace, and what have you. You do it too!
-Watching too many movies in bed.
-Sporcle-ing... a lot.
-Texting people when/who I shouldn't have been texting.
-Giving in to twitter.
-Using Craig's List to try and find roommates, jobs, furniture, well, anything actually.

Fashion:
-Plaid overkill.
-Wearing through too many pairs of leggings.
-Wearing through my red belt.
-Breaking my black heals.
-Buying that white dress that I never wore.
-That shiny dress that matched Mallory's that we wore to karaoke one time.
-Wearing through my cream colored cardigan.
-Sometimes not changing my clothes for a day or so.

Et cetera:
-Spending the holidays alone due to poor weather.
-Not visiting my mom more when she lived closer.
-Losing at Settler's of Catan on numerous occasions.
-Eating expired food.
-Barfing.

Costumez

October is upon us, which means if you haven't already thought of, made and tailored your costume for this year, you are probably behind. Instead of giving you all of my good ideas, I have decided to go a step further and give you ideas of what you should not be and reasons why. Below is that list:

Slutty _______ (insert any noun or children's book character)

Let's get one thing straight: SLUT is not a costume, it is a way of life. If I wanted to see breasts, I'd run a google search. Also, it's effing October and most of us don't live in a sub-tropic climate where heels and booty shorts are weather appropriate. Even that aside, my biggest concern when it comes to slutty nursery rhyme or Disney movie characters, and maybe I am out of line on this, is this: why are you mixing sexual fantasies with childhood memories in the first place? I'm not going to assume anything by this, but from a non-pedophilia perspective, I'm just going to say that I don't quite "get it". But I guess, props, on putting out... er, putting yourself out there like that.

Superheros

Particularly from the latest blockbuster movie. Harsh as this may be, not everyone should wear nylon, loose fitting, but still oddly snug in the wrong places, costumes. I guess that is why it is imperative that a mask be worn at all times. It is okay for 4 year olds but not 34 year olds. Ever. Also, on a personal note, I hate how those costumes always have footie things to cover your shoes or at least the top part of your shoes. It is irksome for me.

Bunny or Kitten ears

Ears are not a costume- they are an accessory, unless you are at work and can not go all the way. But even then, there has to be other ears out there that are not of the bunny or kitty varie-tay.

Pimps

I guess with all of the slutty costumes running around there needs to be some order maintained... still, I try to think of hanging out with someone who would dress up like a pimp for Halloween and think it would probably be the same type of person I would vomit on normally if they tried to pick me up at a bar or something. And I'm not even going to touch the sexist, socio-economic or racial implications on this one, because then this blog would no longer be funny.

Santa Clause

It's a funny idea for about a minute, but then it just gets to be an interruption. It's like having a birthday party and your grandmother still brings your siblings a gift, even though it is not their birthday party (provided you aren't twins). Christmas gets enough play anyhow and already oversteps its boundaries into the Thanksgiving holiday before the turkey carcass is even cold, why should it be allowed to push itself into one more month where it doesn't belong?

Couples Costumes

Unless it is really, really creative, and they usually are not, I'm against them. A lock and key, prisoner and guard, ketchup and mustard, Huey Lewis and the News (okay maybe not so much), all just kind of disgust me. Listen, I get it- you're a couple. I got it when you started publicly making out and then inappropriately groping each other, not to mention from the evil looks your girlfriend is giving me- though I have no intention of even talking to you. Aside from that, the sad truth is that couples costumes are usually the result of one person being excited about Halloween and the other person not giving a shit.

Any and and all Wizard of Oz characters

Similar to couples costumes- only instead of being in a relationship, it is usually a group of single friends and usually the Dorthy's idea- not because she wants to dress up in group costumes, but because she wants to dress up like Dorothy and feels that her friends can serve as an accessory to her childhood dream. I just see a lot of Dorothy costumes every year and subsequently a lot of red glitter shoes on sale at the Good Will around the time of January or February.

Jesus or Moses

How will I know when the second coming of Christ or Moses occurs if there are a billion impostors running around on the 31st? Huh? If you are a male and have a beard, for what ever reason, either Jesus or a hippie seems to be the only default Halloween costume in your repertoire. Perhaps the beard and hair you grew over the last few months has cut you off from the creative ability you may have once possessed. I'm sort of sick of it. Plus, religion and Halloween really don't go well together and there really isn't enough irony to make this costume funny or original.

Clowns

Just because I am still slightly afraid of them.

Things That Are Dead To Me

Dear the following listed items,

I've given you a chance... many of you multiple chances. Chancity, chance, chance, chance and there's a good possibility that you will never get another, so take a good hard look at what you have done, come up with a plan of reconciliation, and get on your knees and tell me you love me or you and I are (in a hushed voice) over. I'll send you to a list where no amount of clapping can bring you back.

Truly yours,

Ms. Whitworth MD... PhD... emmm, MBA BS, the third.

#1: Myspace

Good luck getting off this list. I feel dirty even thinking about myspace.com. It's not even because it feels overly commercial, corporate, or professional for that matter. I'd get rid of it entirely if it wasn't still a good tool to use when "researching" people. "A Place for Friends"... more like a place for shitty rappers and shirtless bro's to try and lure me into looking at them. Eh, no thanks.

#2: Boom Noodle

Was alive to me, until I was sitting across from a friend at dinner. I ordered a bowl of white rice, he ordered SOMETHING THAT WAS MOVING (which I later found out are bonito flakes, and come from fishes) when it got to the table. It upset me so much tears began to well in me lil' eyes. True story. So please, for the love of God, don't let any food that I am near during meal time move. It's too much of a shock for my heart to take.

#3: Most of the state of South Dakota

And I say "most" because I don't know that I have experience all of the people or land mass to make a definite "all" yet. But I do feel comfortable sticking with "most" as my negative experiences have been too strong in this state to even go into detail. I don't think I have a single friend from the big SD. And should you be from there, can you at least do me the favor of pretending you are from North Dakota- which is a fine state or even Wyoming or Nebraska. Big D- as far as you and I am concerned- there is no "us" 'cause 'merica only has 49 states.

#4: Beecher's Handmade Cheese

YOU know what you did! Even trumping the deli, you were the worst... mostly due to the management (that is no longer there, may I add). Much like South Dakota, I have nothing left to say to you.

#5: Birthdays

I have forgot a considerable number of birthdays this year, including my dear mother's, been stood up by an entire birthday party, and as far as my own birthday this past year... no, wait, my birthday party was pretty fun, I must have been confusing it with something else. Be that as it may, I'm now at the age where birthday gifts aren't really given anymore and having a birthday is a big production anyway, so what is the point? Dead to me.

#6: Everyone on my "Do Not Answer" list in my phone

This is as close as I am going to get to even touching the category of individuals that have upset me enough to make this list. And yes, I do actually have a certain someones in my phone under "do not answer" as their name. Are you one of them? I don't know, try calling sometime and find out. It could be an adventure.

#7: The dogs upstairs

And if they don't quit their barking in about five seconds, they will be. At least we are down to only two of them again, instead of three. It is one thing to live in a basement under the scratching of doggie nails on the floor that doesn't stop during the larger portion of the day- but it is another to live under mean, smelly, old, unattractive dogs that bark at you even though you have been living there for a year. I hope they have their rabies shots because I have seen a lot of mean looking raccoons lately and mysteriously the gate might just be left open if those dogs don't start treating me a little better.

#8: The Cast of Full House, et al

You maybe asking the question "What has the cast of Full House ever done to you"? What have they done, period? Other than their lack of entertainment skills and ability to be, in any situation, unfunny or take up too much space on the cover of a gossip tabloid where P. Sway should be honored or his life and dance moves more completely? That's what I thought. Oh, by the way, America is still waiting for the funniest home video. Bob, youtube does your job so much better than you ever could and did.

#9: World Political News

Over it. OVER IT. Does nothing new ever happen in world politics? I mean, seriously, I think half of it is just stock footage/photos at this point in time. Gimme some dogs being rescued or kittens doing funny tricks. I never see foreign animals on in the news, which is a shame. If this could be promptly remedied, perhaps I would consider moving this off of this particular list.

#10: The Recession

I can only play so many Depression Era games before even I get bored. I just want a decent job, the excuses to stop, a better place to live and a manicure already. Recess... is over.



And that's about it. I'm officially tabooing these items.