Lost in Translation

One of the things that really bothers me is when something I normally like is ruined by joining forces with something else. Examples:

Pretzels
Pretzels in Chex-Mix

I don't know really what changes here. Sure, it's still, in it's essence, the same hard/stale, slightly salted bread-y snack adored by Germans and non-Germans alike. Sure, the outer coating still reminds me of hot glue melting in my mouth, a pleasurable experience, I must admit. But for some cray-zay reason, when a pretzel is surrounded by superior tasting, or at least superior in their salt-heavy content, snacks- I can't stand the sight of them, let alone bland taste.

Things
Things in Grab bags

Grab bag. Psssh. More like Garb-bag-e. Okay, admittedly, that was a stretch. How about, more like crap bag. Yeah, that works. I'll be perfectly honest, I love buying useless items. I also like surprises. But, for some reason, whenever useless items are combined in a mystery bag with other, equally useless items, they lose their luster. Also, grab bags are frustrating because you maybe get one good surprise, and everything else is just junk that takes up space until time can be found to take it to Goodwill, where it will probably be re-grab bagged for the next sucka who feels compelled by the same mystery of it all.

Knights
Knights in White Satin

I actually believe the song to be "Nights in White Satin"... either way, that song is terrible.

Dogs
Dogs in Clothing

What's one way to ruin a cute animal? Put a goddamn sweater on it, let alone a rain jacket, or a tuxedo. Listen, part of my privilege of being a human is that I get to be fashionable. I don't want to have to compete with an animal on who is the better dressed species- as their clothes often times cost more than mine, which is unfair.

Skirt
Skirt + Shorts

This, for the males (who are not in the know) out there is called a "skort". Let me just say, I know the risks I run while wearing a skirt. Yeah, sometimes my underwear are going to be flashed to the world- that's why I wear them (the underwear, not the skirt. I do not wear a skirt for their easy public flashing capabilities). I do not need the added protection of a pair of shorts underneath my skirt to prevent the inevitable. Plus, the back of the skirt looks like shorts, in many of the varieties I have seen. It's a total mind fuck. Stay away, my fellow vixens! STAY AWAY!

But then... there are those rare occasions when two things that I love combine forces and create masterpieces- here are my top three:

Hall and Oates
Hall and Oates and Keyboard Cat

Duh. Youtube it if you don't believe me.

Diet Coke
Diet Coke and Cherry Coke

Even though I don't drink either now- back in my days of coke addiction, the rare Diet Cherry Coke (not to be confused with Cherry Coke Zero) was a beverage fit for the gods. If it would have been invented back in the day, Jesus Christ would have turned that water, not into wine, but into Diet Cherry Coke. I promise you this.

Sandwich
Asian Food and Sandwich

A banh-mi tofu sandwich is probably the best fusion I could ever think of consuming. Let's re-cap what's to love about said sandwich: french bread/baguette, tofu (or for those who prefer the flesh of middle-aged animals, you may be tempted by the pulled pork or a variety of meats that are equally as delectable), cilantro, pickled carrots, cucumbers, something white that may be radish- but I've never really ventured to question, and for those of you who don't pick yours off, as I do, jalapenos. Oh, and a mystery Asian Sauce. If this were to be written out as a math equation, it might read: sandwich + Vietnam + secret sauce + only $2.25 = things Whitney loves.