G-Units of Time

Sometimes I really, truly believe I am an old person trapped in a young person's body- until I reviewed the things that my grandmothers enjoy, many of which I do not. But then, upon further review, I found almost an equal amount of things that these women enjoy that I find myself also in agreement with. Below are lists of things they like and I do not, followed by something that we both can agree upon:

Glass Art

Glass art makes me want to vomit- which I'm sure would be more artistically interesting then the blown glass at any rate, not to mention more intentional. My grandmother(s) liking glass art only confirms my suspicions that it is intended fort the eyes of the elderly only.

Garage Sales

When I was younger, I remember going garage sale-ing with both of my grandmothers, separately of course. I still garage sale, as do they. Some of my annual Christmas gifts come from yard sales, and some of theirs will as well.

Irish Literature

My grandma McEldery loves Irish literature, so much so that she has given me several novels. These literary works are often heavily laden with romance, which is not really the type of reading I prefer to do in my spare time. Grandma's digging it, though.

Harry Potter

My grandmother was actually the one who got me reading Harry Potter- unintentionally back during my freshman year of high school. Originally given to my younger brother as a Christmas gift after my grandmother read the first few books and really liked them. When Michael chose not to read it, I decided to read it for myself, as not to let a book go to waste. I ended up really liking it- and still do, no embarrassment there... at least it's not the Twilight saga, which I will not ever read, or watch (and what little I have seen has made me vomit in the aforementioned art-like style that would give Chihuly a run for his money).

Slot Machines

Grandma Flo loves 'em. We call them, in her case and her case only, the 'chines'. I've never been into video poker. Too rich for my blood and I've never bothered to learn the rules.

Scratch Tickets

Scratch tickets, on the other hand, we both enjoy. They're cheap and entertaining. I also like them because I don't have to spend a significant amount of time losing, unlike with video poker.

Liver

I think it's an old person thing. I'll be honest, I've never had it, and now that I'm a vegetarian, never will. Whenever I smell it cooking, it also makes me want to vomit in technicolor. I hate thinking about eating liver nearly as much as I hate smelling it. I hate thinking about eating a meat that's function during it's prime is to secrete bile. How could that possibly be delicious, granny?

Crushed Ice

Crushed ice, however, is delicious. It's one anorexic meal I can really delve into. Whenever I am at my Grandma McEldery's house, even if it is the dead of winter in Montana, I will take a Styrofoam cup, as those are the to-go cups I find she carries most frequently in her pantry, and topple it with crushed ice to eat on my way to wherever I am off to.

Dickies

I don't like turtle neck shirts to begin with, and I especially don't like them when they aren't even an entire shirt. I don't know why my grandmother likes them so much. When I am going to wear clothes, aside from under garments and those that are similar, I want them to be in their entirety- I want my money's worth, dammit!

Crew Neck Sweatshirts

Who doesn't like a nice crew neck sweatshirt? I know my grandmas and I do. It accentuates our neck-line the way hoodies just cannot.

Lawrence Welk

What the hell is this shit? Look, classic television is one thing, but Lawrence Welk... I just will not watch. I'll watch the Saturday Night Live parodies, but that's about as close as I will get to seeing eye to eye with my granny on this one.

Golden Girls

This is the type of classic television I was talking about. I can easily share a chuckle or two over the episode where the ladies go to buy condoms with either of my grandmothers. Yeah, something about those women make that topic of conversation less awkward, as with many other would be taboo subjects.

Beyonce

My grandma Flo loves Beyonce. She's told me that she thinks Beyonce is hot. I can't argue there, but I'm not really a huge fan. She, on the other hand, is.

Elvis

Now here is some older music that I can tolerate. I'm not saying I have Elvis on my iPod, I do not, and I would never bring him back from the dead, let alone believe he is or at one point post-mortem, was undead- but when Elvis comes on, sure, why not?

Perms

May my hair never be the length suitable for a perm. I do love, though, how happy my grandmother's get after they get perms. I also love the chemical smell. That's about the only common ground I could ever find with my grandma's on that hairstyle choice.

Hair Combs

I have been known, from time to time, to wear the occasional hair comb to hold back my flowing locks. Please know this of me, I don't like sparkly hair combs or hair combs with butterflies or other accouterments either.

Box Wine

Common! I have some class. Charles Shaw at the very least- the bottle is reusable. Grandma, on the other hand, does not give her wine drinking this same consideration.

Boxes of Petit Fours

Give me a box of mini-cakes any day. Better yet, give my grandma McEldery a box of petit fours for Christmas and I'll just take half home for myself, which is what happens every year.

Gaudy Jewelery

Grandma Flo loves herself some bling. She's more hip-hop then I am, upon adding this to her Beyonce fetish. If it sparkles, she's on it! Or rather, it's on her. Not on me, though, I'm a jewelery minimalist these days.

Gaudy Nick-knacks

Grandma Flo collects angels, grandma McEldery collects fairies and elves, I, collect little toys, zombie action figures, and glass cats. We all collect these items as gifts or from yard sales and thrift stores.

Lost in Translation

One of the things that really bothers me is when something I normally like is ruined by joining forces with something else. Examples:

Pretzels
Pretzels in Chex-Mix

I don't know really what changes here. Sure, it's still, in it's essence, the same hard/stale, slightly salted bread-y snack adored by Germans and non-Germans alike. Sure, the outer coating still reminds me of hot glue melting in my mouth, a pleasurable experience, I must admit. But for some cray-zay reason, when a pretzel is surrounded by superior tasting, or at least superior in their salt-heavy content, snacks- I can't stand the sight of them, let alone bland taste.

Things
Things in Grab bags

Grab bag. Psssh. More like Garb-bag-e. Okay, admittedly, that was a stretch. How about, more like crap bag. Yeah, that works. I'll be perfectly honest, I love buying useless items. I also like surprises. But, for some reason, whenever useless items are combined in a mystery bag with other, equally useless items, they lose their luster. Also, grab bags are frustrating because you maybe get one good surprise, and everything else is just junk that takes up space until time can be found to take it to Goodwill, where it will probably be re-grab bagged for the next sucka who feels compelled by the same mystery of it all.

Knights
Knights in White Satin

I actually believe the song to be "Nights in White Satin"... either way, that song is terrible.

Dogs
Dogs in Clothing

What's one way to ruin a cute animal? Put a goddamn sweater on it, let alone a rain jacket, or a tuxedo. Listen, part of my privilege of being a human is that I get to be fashionable. I don't want to have to compete with an animal on who is the better dressed species- as their clothes often times cost more than mine, which is unfair.

Skirt
Skirt + Shorts

This, for the males (who are not in the know) out there is called a "skort". Let me just say, I know the risks I run while wearing a skirt. Yeah, sometimes my underwear are going to be flashed to the world- that's why I wear them (the underwear, not the skirt. I do not wear a skirt for their easy public flashing capabilities). I do not need the added protection of a pair of shorts underneath my skirt to prevent the inevitable. Plus, the back of the skirt looks like shorts, in many of the varieties I have seen. It's a total mind fuck. Stay away, my fellow vixens! STAY AWAY!

But then... there are those rare occasions when two things that I love combine forces and create masterpieces- here are my top three:

Hall and Oates
Hall and Oates and Keyboard Cat

Duh. Youtube it if you don't believe me.

Diet Coke
Diet Coke and Cherry Coke

Even though I don't drink either now- back in my days of coke addiction, the rare Diet Cherry Coke (not to be confused with Cherry Coke Zero) was a beverage fit for the gods. If it would have been invented back in the day, Jesus Christ would have turned that water, not into wine, but into Diet Cherry Coke. I promise you this.

Sandwich
Asian Food and Sandwich

A banh-mi tofu sandwich is probably the best fusion I could ever think of consuming. Let's re-cap what's to love about said sandwich: french bread/baguette, tofu (or for those who prefer the flesh of middle-aged animals, you may be tempted by the pulled pork or a variety of meats that are equally as delectable), cilantro, pickled carrots, cucumbers, something white that may be radish- but I've never really ventured to question, and for those of you who don't pick yours off, as I do, jalapenos. Oh, and a mystery Asian Sauce. If this were to be written out as a math equation, it might read: sandwich + Vietnam + secret sauce + only $2.25 = things Whitney loves.

Competitive Edge

Here are a list of competitions that I believe, in my heart, that I could win. At local levels, of course.

Bread eating challenge

-The Challenge: To eat 2 pieces of white bread in under a minute.
-The Strategy: My strategy is, and has been proven effective, to tear the bread into tiny pieces, skip chewing all together and just swallow.
-Why I think I can win: Listen to me, I've done this. Well, almost. Garrett and I tried this a year ago and I was about 4 seconds off from completion due to the fact that I dropped a part of bread on the dirty, dirty ground and had to pick it up and eat it. Also, there was a time when I had a little problem that required me to drink a few gallons of cranberry juice, which, as a personal challenge, I did in due time. "But Whitney," I hear you refrain, "juice and bread are two different things." True, dear reader, however, I learned from that experience that my ability to swiftly, and with much repetition, swallow things is top notch. If this doesn't make sense to you, it is simply because you do not possess such powers.

Speed Alphabetizing:

-The Challenge: Alphabetize various books, movies, and files rapidly.
-The Strategy: Lady, know thy alphabet.
-Why I think I can win: Look, I know there are people far more OCD than I, but I've seriously alphabetized things in my dreams. I figure, if I can subconciously do it, I must have a one up on the competition.

Brand Name vs. Generic Brand Cereal Taste Test:

-The Challenge: Differentiate between brand name and generic cereals of the same general composition. Blind-folded.
-The Strategy: To focus mostly on texture and not as much on overall sweetness/artificial flavor.
-Why I think I can win: There have been two phases in my life that I think would help me in this challenge: my cereal phase, and my poor phase, which, at some point in time, overlapped, providing me with experience on both sides of the cereal quality spectrum.

Top Ramen Cook-off:

-The Challenge: Cook three Top Ramen dishes- one traditional, one with a slight variation, and one that uses T.R. in a creative method.
-The Strategy: While not being able to use Top Ramen creatively, my skills with traditional cooking methods and my variation are superb. My secret weapon in the "slightly varied dish" is, and I know you may puke in your mouth a little, a slice of processed Kraft Singles American Cheese. On or in nothing else would I ever eat a Kraft Single, but it is pure magic in ramen, especially Oriental (the least PC of them all) flavor.
-Why I think I can win: Because, as with the bread challenge, I sort of already have. My cousins and I competed last summer in said competition and I took home top honors. Also, given enough time to come up with a creative recipe, I think I would be able to round all three categories out nicely.

I don't really think any of these are real competitions... yet. Should they be, someday, I will be waiting. I will be ready. But only at a local level, of course.

Satan's Clause

With global climate change on the horizon, this generation is pretty much already acclimated to uncomfortable heat, similar to that of fire and brimstone. With that being said, Hell doesn't seem to be such a bad option any longer. And while I can't say we're really down for 24/7 intensive labor, which might be kind of a bummer, I think as I former Strategic Communications student, I could re-vamp the whole "Hell" images to really make my generation fearful of eternal damnation. My idea is that, in Hell, everyone would live (or not) much as they do now, day in and day out with a few... alterations. Here are some ideas I have in mind:

-Dial-up Internet connection would be the only Internet service allowed. Not even a lack of Internet is as terrible as dial-up. Think about spending eternity on dial-up and stuck in chat rooms whilst trying to upload YouTube videos. That's basically what the Internet would consist of, dial-up, ICQ as your only means of communication, slow YouTube videos, and Askjeeves as your only search engine.


-Old-timey cooking would be the only meal options available. This would constitute that all meals be inspired by the Depression Era and should consist mainly of such courses as beef tongue, gruel, cabbage soup, and worst of all, divinity, just to name a few.


-Dharma and Greg on Every Channel- with NO mute button.


-Taylor Swift/Nickleback/Miley Cyrus karaoke night, every night. All songs to be sung by The Captain (A Beacon Hill pub "favorite") and my good ol' roommate from China, Jing. And you wouldn't be allowed to drink prior to enduring this.


-All font would be in Comic Sans.


-Mullets would be the required haircut for everyone.


-The only bored game allowed would be Monopoly, and all players must actually complete the game in its entirety.


-The preferred (and only) foot wear of hell would be these:

-There would be no more Snuggies!

-But there would be these:

Things That Are Dead To Me

Dear the following listed items,

I've given you a chance... many of you multiple chances. Chancity, chance, chance, chance and there's a good possibility that you will never get another, so take a good hard look at what you have done, come up with a plan of reconciliation, and get on your knees and tell me you love me or you and I are (in a hushed voice) over. I'll send you to a list where no amount of clapping can bring you back.

Truly yours,

Ms. Whitworth MD... PhD... emmm, MBA BS, the third.

#1: Myspace

Good luck getting off this list. I feel dirty even thinking about myspace.com. It's not even because it feels overly commercial, corporate, or professional for that matter. I'd get rid of it entirely if it wasn't still a good tool to use when "researching" people. "A Place for Friends"... more like a place for shitty rappers and shirtless bro's to try and lure me into looking at them. Eh, no thanks.

#2: Boom Noodle

Was alive to me, until I was sitting across from a friend at dinner. I ordered a bowl of white rice, he ordered SOMETHING THAT WAS MOVING (which I later found out are bonito flakes, and come from fishes) when it got to the table. It upset me so much tears began to well in me lil' eyes. True story. So please, for the love of God, don't let any food that I am near during meal time move. It's too much of a shock for my heart to take.

#3: Most of the state of South Dakota

And I say "most" because I don't know that I have experience all of the people or land mass to make a definite "all" yet. But I do feel comfortable sticking with "most" as my negative experiences have been too strong in this state to even go into detail. I don't think I have a single friend from the big SD. And should you be from there, can you at least do me the favor of pretending you are from North Dakota- which is a fine state or even Wyoming or Nebraska. Big D- as far as you and I am concerned- there is no "us" 'cause 'merica only has 49 states.

#4: Beecher's Handmade Cheese

YOU know what you did! Even trumping the deli, you were the worst... mostly due to the management (that is no longer there, may I add). Much like South Dakota, I have nothing left to say to you.

#5: Birthdays

I have forgot a considerable number of birthdays this year, including my dear mother's, been stood up by an entire birthday party, and as far as my own birthday this past year... no, wait, my birthday party was pretty fun, I must have been confusing it with something else. Be that as it may, I'm now at the age where birthday gifts aren't really given anymore and having a birthday is a big production anyway, so what is the point? Dead to me.

#6: Everyone on my "Do Not Answer" list in my phone

This is as close as I am going to get to even touching the category of individuals that have upset me enough to make this list. And yes, I do actually have a certain someones in my phone under "do not answer" as their name. Are you one of them? I don't know, try calling sometime and find out. It could be an adventure.

#7: The dogs upstairs

And if they don't quit their barking in about five seconds, they will be. At least we are down to only two of them again, instead of three. It is one thing to live in a basement under the scratching of doggie nails on the floor that doesn't stop during the larger portion of the day- but it is another to live under mean, smelly, old, unattractive dogs that bark at you even though you have been living there for a year. I hope they have their rabies shots because I have seen a lot of mean looking raccoons lately and mysteriously the gate might just be left open if those dogs don't start treating me a little better.

#8: The Cast of Full House, et al

You maybe asking the question "What has the cast of Full House ever done to you"? What have they done, period? Other than their lack of entertainment skills and ability to be, in any situation, unfunny or take up too much space on the cover of a gossip tabloid where P. Sway should be honored or his life and dance moves more completely? That's what I thought. Oh, by the way, America is still waiting for the funniest home video. Bob, youtube does your job so much better than you ever could and did.

#9: World Political News

Over it. OVER IT. Does nothing new ever happen in world politics? I mean, seriously, I think half of it is just stock footage/photos at this point in time. Gimme some dogs being rescued or kittens doing funny tricks. I never see foreign animals on in the news, which is a shame. If this could be promptly remedied, perhaps I would consider moving this off of this particular list.

#10: The Recession

I can only play so many Depression Era games before even I get bored. I just want a decent job, the excuses to stop, a better place to live and a manicure already. Recess... is over.



And that's about it. I'm officially tabooing these items.