Life Calling

Okay.  It's been a little while since my last post, but I can explain... I have a boyfriend.  That I like.  The end.  Also, I got really fucking lazy with this thing- so lazy, in fact, that I spent the last five minutes trying to remember my password.  I don't even know why I have this account password protected.  Am I really afraid that someone is going to hack into it and start phantom blogging for me?  Because that would be awesome.  I'd be a lot like a Kardashian or a Snookie.  And though I love blogging and have at least one follower (shout out to  my cousin's boyfriend who told me that my boyfriend was crushing my creative spirit), I don't know that list blogging is going to be substantial enough to be my life's calling.

I've tried to compile my talents into this list:
-List blogging
-Chalk art
-Paper mache masks
-Cat snuggling
-Taking hideous photographs of animals
-Quoting movies
-Cher karaoke impressions
-Nail art

So that is my short list.  Here is my short list of things I am not too good at:
-Playing video games
-Long division
-Cake decorating (that doesn't involve zombies, zombie hands, or fake blood of any sort)
-I used to think that I wasn't very good at spelling, but I've seen the youth of today's contributions to the Internet and text messages and I'm pretty sure I could win a spelling bee against one of those brace-faced brats any day.

So, with my talents combined and sans the things I am not good at, here is a list of potential future life callings for me:

Cat Psychic Whisperer

I think I could pretty easily convince people that I could talk to their animals from the great beyond.


  

Halloween Costume Consultant

Remember ladies, slut is not a costume, it's a life style.

80's/90's Revivalist

I'd like to bring VHS tapes, movies, and Bowie's career back from the dead.  Southern Baptist preacher style.

Legendary Monster Photographer

Considering half of my photos of Scott look other-worldly any way, and considering I only use my iPhone's camera AND considering the popularity of Instagrams sepia tone/burnt toaster over lays, I think I could easily pull this off, with a possible Scifi... excuse me SYFY (WHAT THE HELL, for realz, what a stupid spelling) channel spin-off.  I guess, also seeing this SEDUCTIVE photo, I could also be a legendary monster hand model.  Hand model almost made this list, but I realize now, in comparison, it is just a pipe dream.  No one needs baby hands- they just aren't elegant enough.

 

Vietnamese Nail Salon Closer

Closer, as in baseball.  I'd come in and put the finishing touches- like little cat faces or Pac-Mans on women's (or men's) nails after the polish dust has settled.   The painting part... I'm not so good at, I could definitely be good at the finer detailing.

Car Detailer

Let's just say, I have a weird OCD tic (thing) that allows me to enjoy cleaning things with Q-Tips.  Actually, I'd only want to clean the inside... I don't like the feeling of car soap.  Someone else would have to do that.

Funeral Director

Doi.

Attack

Be not alarmed! The following are simply images... images of what I hope aliens look like, as sort of my homage to Aliens this festive season of Halloween. It's as a simple as that. Note: In no means is this is a survival guide meant to help you during an impeding attack, as I don't have that sort of authori-tay.

The practical alien:

I would hope aliens would look like this because if they did they would be slower and shorter than I am. This being said, I might survive an attack, and thus, making them practical. The same argument can be made for as slow vs. fast zombies. Granted, they still might have laser guns, which I would have no chance out running, and neither would you. And though this particular picture shows a woman who, well, got attacked, I would like to assume that she was weak and probably deserved it- the damsel type, yah know? Oh, and one last note, I'd have him wearing a long, high-collard metallic silver coat. For effect.

The futuristic alien:

If aliens were more like robots (which, in many movies they are), I would hope that they would look like Bjork from her video for All Is Full of Love and not just some dumb cybertron type being. Friendly, sleek, but still creepy.

The alien in human form:

This might not be my first choice of how I would like human-esque aliens to look, I would rather them look (and sound) like Ira Glass, but this is the most probable of the alien-to-human transformations I think. And no, it is not too soon.

The scary alien:

I almost chose the picture of the late M.J. to serve also as the scary version of aliens, but decided this was more appropriate while still maintaining similar lines. Truthfully though, I really wish that there were no possibilities of scary aliens, but if I had to chose, I would chose the aliens from They Live because they look just like humans- which means unless you have bad ass glasses which will help you determine the reals from the fakes, forget it, you're a goner. Nothing is more scary than perfect camouflage. Classic.

In the off chance I would have to create babies with an alien, alien:

Okay, so I know that Spock is only really half alien, but that's what I'm saying. I already know that breading with this particular alien species would work and not result in one of those scary scenes when an alien eats its way out of my abdominal cavity. As if birth wasn't gross enough already. And I know there are people who like other, older Spocks better, but this one is more in my age range. The hair cut... might have to go though. My aunt could probably take care of this for me. But yes, I would have alien babies if need be with new Spock.

The lovable alien:

It came down to A.L.F. and E.T.- both have initials for names, but only one came out on top, and let's face it, A.L.F. ate cats, so I had no choice but to choose E.T. He liked Reeses Pieces... much better feasting option.

The pet alien:

Why can't real animals be this cute? I don't know what this is from... probably Japan.

And just for fun, because this post was short:

The alien boy who wasted my time- Balloon Boy. Look at him. Effing alien. He even had that phony space ship. In fact, when I first turned on the news that day and saw the headline Balloon Boy and then the fake craft, my mind flashed back to the movie Signs (not great, I know) when they turn on the TV and there were alien ships and I thought maybe there was a UFO in our real life midst- but no, it was a "tragic" missing child story that turned up with no conclusion of interest.

So there you have it. For future film makers, particularly of the SciFi alien type movies, cut out the others and focus in on these types please, so that I will watch your movie in theaters and not pirated online.