Papa Don't Preach

Bellow are some lil' quips and words of wisdom that show the juxtaposition of my parents perspectives on relationships and sex. I like the contrast in this list.

-Advice from Mom: (To my friends)- "Do you masturbate? I hope you do. You know, masturbation is the safest form of sex."

-Wisdom from Dad: "You know, Whitney, males never really mature past 13. If they tell you otherwise, they're lying."

-Mom (in one long breath): (On my supposed kidney infection): "Are you having sex? I don't care if you are, I just need to know. You know, sex causes these things. I know you don't want to hear this, but when I first started dating Bill, our sex caused a kidney infection. I mean, you're probably having sex. Limit your partners. You could avoid this if you would limit your partners."

-Dad: "I don't want to hear about this. Don't talk to me about kissing boys. You better not be kissing any boys. Are you trying to give me a heart attack? I don't want to hear about this."

-Mom: (On me being stressed out)- "Having sex helps."

-Dad: "No guy better ever touch my daughter. I used to be a cop. I know how to hide a body. The Berkly Pitt is pretty deep."

-Mom: (On whether or not to give me a hope chest for High School graduation)- "What's the point? It's not like you're ever going to get married. I have no hope for that, so why get you a hope chest?"

-Dad: (On whether or not I'm having children)- Me- "I'm not going to have kids. Ever. Period." Dad- "Oh yes you are. Probably not any time soon. You're too smart for that. You're brother on the other hand... well, I wouldn't doubt if he was the next father of our country."

-Mom: "You know your problem? Your clothes. If you dressed better, you'd probably get more second dates."

-Dad: "Let the guy chase you. If you're chasing the guy, you're doing something wrong."

-Dad: "Guys are really very simple. We don't think in complex terms."

-Mom: "I'll never understand men. You probably wont either. Don't bother trying."

A Red Ryder BB Gun... With a Compus in the Stock

Dear Sandy Claws...
What I really, really want for Christmas this year (aside from money, of course) is the following:

*also note* For most of these items, feel free to purchase at the Goodwill or any second hand store. Except for the socks. I want those new. And my birthday is exactly two weeks from Christmas, so if you miss the Deck 25th boat, you got another shot! So lucky!

Really warm wool socks

...because my house is so effing cold.
Price Point: About $10... unless you can knit.

Old-timey metal TV trays

I would like the larger ones- but I'd also take the kind you can eat breakfast in bed with. This is one of the things that I don't need new. Just in decent shape, as I can always re-do the tops. On second thought, if I am going to Montana for Christmas, better just let someone in Seattle get me this for my birthday or something.
Price Point: Used- $5 new $15-30. I would like 2.

A record player

It can be purchased used, as long as it works and has a functioning needle. Again though, maybe not the best thing to try and bring back on a plane with me. I guess it depends on the size.
Price Point: Used- $30-$50 New- $70-100

A new phone

Preferably this one... wink, wink, father... how about for my birthday? A model similar perhaps? Okay, this is really my luxury item on this list (well, I guess TV Trays are as well, sort of), but a girl can dream. A girl can dream.
Price Point: $100 (and monthly service would change slightly).

A big plastic drinking cup

Okay, I know I can easily get this at any thrift store or a 7-11, but that is not the point. The point is, so can you! For me! Crap, you can even just give me one out of your cupboards for all I care. These over-sized promotional drinking cups are great for bed time. Anyone who has one knows what I mean. I once had one really good bed time plastic cup, but Hoku stole in a few years ago.
Price Point: Free dollars - $1.00 (or if you get a drink, consume it, and then wash out the cup, it is like, less than free dollars, almost as if I was giving you a gift).

The movie Man of the House

Judge at your leisure. I don't care. It doesn't even have to be on DVD. In fact, I think I'd rather it be on VHS. I've searched high and low at all of the thrift stores imaginable for this movie, it is impossible to find. I mean, who really wants to watch it anyway? It sucks. So one would think there would be a bajillion copies floating about. Nope. No there are not. But for me, it's a gem. And I want it.
Price Point: $7 used $10 new probably $0.25 on VHS.

Whitening Strips

This is my vanity item on this years Christmas list.
Price Point: $20-25

A red cardigan

I need more color in my wardrobe. Size medium.
Price Point: $20-40 new $8-15 used

Total cost of my birthday and Christmas Combined: .High estimate: $316 pre-tax $$
.Low estimate: $184 pre-tax $$
Divided by 2 holidays, divided by multiple people. CHEAP!

Mom, dad, grandparents, lovas... I made a registry online at this link View MyGiftList. Mostly, I don't want 10 copies of Man of the House. It will remind you of price points, along with some websites and pointers on where to find these items.

Love,
Whitney, whose been pretty good for part of this year.