Take This Julie Andrews!

Every year- this being the last- Oprah thinks she's effing Julie Andrews and talks about her "favorite things" followed by her modest display of giving her audience a slew of items they go bonkers over. I, however, never really find these gifts of her magi to be very interesting or exciting. If Oprah gave me, as an audience member, a cruise package I'd roll my eyes, ask her if she was also planning on paying me for the time I now have to take off work, as I don't get paid vacation working in a custard shop, and then ask her if she has read any sort of recent headlines about that fated cruise ship recently. Blah, blah, blah. As Ralphy got to play Santa on A Christmas Story, let me play Oprah and make a list of things I'd like to give away, if I could:

1. The Gift of Youth

Seriously, I'd give everyone a pack of Shriky-Dinks™ if I could.

2. The Gift of Remembrance

Various multi-disk sets of specials that ran on the Discover Heath so we can remember what life was like before Oprah took over our broadcasting system.

3. The Gift of Intentionality

Messenger Pigeons- Real communication is a dying art form. I think, by bringing back messenger pigeons, there may be some fun or at least romanticism reinstated into our lives- and we could talk outside of fakesbook and our text messages. Should this not be feasible, I'd like to give you all some postage stamps, so we can send letters back and forth.

4. The Gift of Culture

A number of Rancho Bravo tamales. I don't know how many- as many as you could handle before swearing them off forever, I suppose. I had one for dinner. This is my version of "If I could buy the world a Coke™".

5. The Gift of Literature

Scary Stories. I miss this book, as it was one of my childhood favorites, and it's yet to make Oprah's book club.

6. The Gift of Practicality

A Hatchet. Say the end of the world really is approaching us just over two years from now, or a zombie out break develops from the former swine flu, or your land lord tells you he/she will evict you should you not chop down that overgrown tree from your front yard that is tripping the little school children both to and from their educational pursuits OR Snowpocolypse™ 2010 part duex happens and you need said tree for firewood- yeah, you bet your cold ass you'd be thanking me.

7. The Gift of Hope

The bingo scratch ticket. It's a gift that may or may not keep on giving. Plus, I know one of my grandmothers would go bananas over it, as she loves to scratch and win.

8. The Gift of Joy

All red Starbursts™. I'm so nice, I'd give you a gift that takes all of the shitty flavors out of the candy we all love, or would love better with out the yellow and orange flavors.

9. A Timeless Gift

An Alarm Clock. This is specifically for my co-workers so they are never late for work again. I liked this model.

10. The Gift of Scott

And finally, a framed picture of Scott. Granted, I may be sending out Christmas cards with Scott's picture, they aren't framed. I wish I could frame them all for you. With metal, not plastic frames.

Beyond Belief

Here are some FACTS, some things of certainty that I know to be true. No, that I know to be beyond true. I can't tell you how I know this, because you wouldn't understand.

1. Tom Selleck was born with a mustache

He was a baby miracle.

2. I'm a God

Oh, as if you didn't know. Let me state my case. Throughout history, offerings and sacrifices have been made to God/many different gods. Every single cat I have ever had has brought me offerings and sacrifices- ranging anywhere from birds and mice to insects. There fore, they must view me as a God. Their food rains from the heavens, their cup never goes empty... of water. They lay at my feet, they bathe me. Yup. I'm pretty much a god.

3. Easy Bake Ovens leads to S&M

I don't know a single kid who owned an easy bake oven (the real kind, not this plastic crap they pass off on the markets now) who didn't burn the shit out of themselves when using it... and then go back for more. Which brings me to this Pavlovian point- we were trained, as children, that burning ourselves on such ovens, essentially that pain would only lead to a treat afterward. You can do the math from there.

4. There's no such thing as chiropractors

Chiropractors are make-believe. Just like Santa and Rush Limbaugh. They don't exist. What you believe to be a chiropractor is actually just a swindler from the 1920's, trying to cheat you out of your money, see. There's also no such thing as a single visit to a "chiropractor", no matter what they tell you- you will always have to come back a week later for a "readjustment" and then a week later to readjust that readjustment. Forever. Until you realize you are out of money or you figure out the shell game they're playing with you.

5. If you're in a horror movie, you will forget how to drive

Should you find yourself in a horror movie or at least a similar situation, no matter how long you have been driving, just understand one thing- you will forget how to drive. You will forget your seat belt. And you will not make it more than 50 yards in a car. You're better off walking- yes walking- as running also seems like a dumb idea, because you will trip and fall and get injured and have to walk anyway. Save yourself the trouble. Just walk from the get go.

6. Monopoly is used as a torture device

China and parts of Russia both use Monopoly as torture mechanisms. They make POW's play the game with each other, in its entirety, until one of them cracks.

7. Your one missing sock does not end up in some abyss

It usually gets sucked through the dryer hose or falls behind the washing machine.

Useless Items

How does the phrase go?  Necessity is the key to invention?  Invention is necessary?  Necessity is the spice of life?  

Okay, after looking it up the actual quote that links the two is, "necessity is the mother of invention"... whatever.  Point being, not all things invented are necessary.  Here are some unnecessary inventions, to say the least:

1.) Gum Savers- I had one as a child.  If you have never had one, it is probably because they are so vile and you really shouldn't need one, as everyone knows that old gum hardens and collects/breeds bacteria that should probably not be re-consumed and seems rather undesirable.  Plus, if you are rich enough to afford a gum saver, then you are rich enough to afford a new piece of gum.  Especially if it is Juicy Fruit™.  

2.) Bedazzelers™- This one explains itself pretty well.  Nothing should ever be "bedazzled", especially not cheep denim.  

3.) Diaries with locks- So maybe the male population will not understand this, but as a female growing up I had my fair share of diaries, each with a lock on the outside.  The problem?  Every single diary with a lock has the same key and can be easily picked with any tool smaller than the lock itself.  For me, it was a false sense of security.  My solution?  To make books which I was sure no one would ever be interested in reading into diaries.  

4.) Noodles- Awkward to carry, worthless for actually supporting or saving someone's life if they were to drown, and made from that foam which produced a terrible sound both when wet and dry.  Yuk.  Listen, either learn to swim properly, or get a useful, less likely to be used as a pool weapon, floatation device.  Hell, I don't care of you are 50 and wearing water wings, just leave the goddamn noodles at home.  

5.) Candle Snuffers- My, aren't you just the dainty one with your candle snuffer?  Wait... you what?  You couldn't just blow the candle out?  OH, okay, that makes so much more sense to me now.  No, wait.  It doesn't.  Next birthday, I am going to try and pull this one and see how frustrated people get whilst I attempt to snuff out 24 candles one by one.  

6.) Sham Wow™- This is a simple one, as the Sham Wow™ is just regular pieces of felt.  

7.) Dog Diaper- Just suck it up and train your dog already.  Oh, wait, or you could get off your lazy ass and actually take your dog outside once in a while.  I also hate that this particular varie-tay is washable... I mean, I get it, environmentally friendly, but well... you know how I feel about dogs pooping.  I'm just going to leave it at that.  

8.) Dog Car Seat- I know people love their pets... but come on.  Not to rag on unnecessary dog products, but this just seems insane and uncomfortable for the dog- unless you have a dog like my mothers, who, when it rides in the car, refuses to sit anywhere but on the arm of the driver looking out the window, which is both uncomfortable and dangerous.  Again, as in with the doggie diaper, just train your dog to behave in the first place.  Problem solved.  

9.) The Magic Bullet™- ...okay, I know how much many people love the magic bullet, in fact, and I would swear before a jury, it is my favorite infomercial of all time.  HOWEVER, the Magic Bullet™ does nothing that a regular blender/food processor can not do, only the Magic Bullet™ does it in smaller quantities and actually takes more effort than a simple food processor.  

Toys of My Past

Here are some toys from my past and how they could have been made better if only the manufacturers would have put a tiny bit more thought into, well, me.

1.) Furby: 

I think Furby could have been A LOT better if it would have been combined with other toy technology of the times.  Here's how: Furby + Gigapet= The results, which would be a Furby with the life-span of a gigapet, so when it started to get too annoying, you could just let it run its course.  Oh, also if it could say more intelligent phrases.  Instead of "Furby hungry" it could say, oh, I don't know, something along the lines of "If you don't feed Furby, Furby will call CPS on your bitch ass"...  

2.) Sky Dancers:

This one is easy, because everyone knows that the way to improve any toy of flight is to make sure the wings are actually some sort of blades of glory/throwing stars.  Sky dancers were fun to play with for no more than five seconds, at least with the addition of danger wings, fun might last until someone looses a finger.  

3.) Puppy Surprise/Kitty Surprise/Bunny Surprise:

My one wish for this toy was that the babies spawned from this toy were actually surprising.  I have a few ideas on how to make this happen: three legged kittens (a subject near to my heart), two headed puppies, the bunnies could give birth to squirrels or something.  But wait!  There is more.  Instead of simply opening up the Velcro® pouch and releasing the bundles of joy, you would have to dig through a placenta representation of goop (think Gac®™) to find your surprises.  This way you get two toys, baby animals and Gac®™.  More bang for your pets buck.

4.) Teddy Ruckspin:

I think Teddy Ruckspin had great potential in the early days to act as a sort of primitive TeeVo®. Imagine, if you will, instead of Teddy reading you stories, he would instead/in addition to, have the ability to recap (not a line by line bit, more like a 2 minute summation) a television show you may have missed.  I would also make the suggestion that his voice be turned into that of Gary Coleman if at all possible.  

5.) Street Sharks:

I propose that the toy itself not be changed, but the story line behind it be modified.  Instead of fighting other creatures, Street Sharks actually battle their arch enemies the Land Sharks- a group of big shot lawyers who try to "clean up the streets" by throwing innocent street kids in jail for crimes committed by the dirt bags of the corporate world and dirty politicians.  Street Sharks.

6.) Ribbon Dancer:

If the ribbons were actually sparklers, then maybe (but no guarantees) would Ribbon Dancers actually be cool.  Maybe if they were sparklers and also a fashionable belt afterwards.  I really tried here, but let's face it, there is no way to make Ribbon Dancing cool.

7.) And finally, Light Bright:

On second thought, this toy was perfect.  No changes necessary.