Papa Don't Preach

Bellow are some lil' quips and words of wisdom that show the juxtaposition of my parents perspectives on relationships and sex. I like the contrast in this list.

-Advice from Mom: (To my friends)- "Do you masturbate? I hope you do. You know, masturbation is the safest form of sex."

-Wisdom from Dad: "You know, Whitney, males never really mature past 13. If they tell you otherwise, they're lying."

-Mom (in one long breath): (On my supposed kidney infection): "Are you having sex? I don't care if you are, I just need to know. You know, sex causes these things. I know you don't want to hear this, but when I first started dating Bill, our sex caused a kidney infection. I mean, you're probably having sex. Limit your partners. You could avoid this if you would limit your partners."

-Dad: "I don't want to hear about this. Don't talk to me about kissing boys. You better not be kissing any boys. Are you trying to give me a heart attack? I don't want to hear about this."

-Mom: (On me being stressed out)- "Having sex helps."

-Dad: "No guy better ever touch my daughter. I used to be a cop. I know how to hide a body. The Berkly Pitt is pretty deep."

-Mom: (On whether or not to give me a hope chest for High School graduation)- "What's the point? It's not like you're ever going to get married. I have no hope for that, so why get you a hope chest?"

-Dad: (On whether or not I'm having children)- Me- "I'm not going to have kids. Ever. Period." Dad- "Oh yes you are. Probably not any time soon. You're too smart for that. You're brother on the other hand... well, I wouldn't doubt if he was the next father of our country."

-Mom: "You know your problem? Your clothes. If you dressed better, you'd probably get more second dates."

-Dad: "Let the guy chase you. If you're chasing the guy, you're doing something wrong."

-Dad: "Guys are really very simple. We don't think in complex terms."

-Mom: "I'll never understand men. You probably wont either. Don't bother trying."