She's a Lady

 Mallory, this one is for you!

As you may or may not know (or be able to gather by my general satirical nature/female-ness/posts about cats), there is a pretty good chance that- should my witty banter, lovably sensible personality, and cute, girlish looks not be enough for Mike- I'll inevitably become thee crazy cat lady. 

But is it really so bad?  If you haven't already watched the charmingly, eh, who am I kidding, the depressing mini-doc about crazy cat ladies, then you haven't been marred by a bias that these women are sad and lonely and slightly insane. 

Well, I'm here to bring forth, into the light, all the BENEFITS of this life-style.  Let's take a looksy, shall we?

1. Constant company!

You'd be surrounded by companions!  When one gets bored with you, another would, in theory, be waiting your temporary approval!

2. You don't have to pay for cuddles

....Aside from with your soul or in cat treats.  You're also less creepy than the guys who own real dolls (see also: short doc "Guys and Dolls: Real Dolls and the Men that Love Them.")

3. Saving $$ on heating bills

Anyone who has had a cat lay on their backs or feet or legs can tell you that their body heat is, if not almost too much, better than a heater.  Think of all the money you could save by using kitties as a living blanket, of sorts.

4. Perfect movie companions

My kitty will sit on the couch, cuddle, and watch movies with me with out ever complaining that it's too violent, too girly, too gory, or giving away the intricate plot details.  Plus, they don't chide you if you fall asleep during the movie, as, most likely, they are falling asleep as well.

5. If you die, and are all alone, you don't have to worry about body disposal.

 Seriously, your cats will probably eat you.  Once they get the taste of human blood, they will probably go on a rampage and avenge your death as well.

6. If they die...

You could make a fashionable coat from them- or even if they don't die, but just give them summer hair cuts.  But we all know that I prefer cat gloves over cat coats.  It seems a lot more humane, to me, to repurpose the cat instead of dumping their bodies in the dumpster before trash day.  For those of us who live in an apartment complex, it's not as though we can just bury them any where, cremation is expensive and then you have the question of what to do with cremains, so why not make something seasonably fun in memory of a beloved pet.  It's less creepy then walking in a house full of taxidermied cats as well.  At least, I think so.

7.  They ENCOURAGE naps!

 All I really want are more naps with out feeling guilty.  Cats encourage them.  More cats = more naps.

7. They're are not actual children, so you can save on child care.

8.  They're cats.

I mean, look at them.  Daaaaaw!

1st Aid

Thanks to my new (as in, the last six months) job, I am now a certified CPR/First Aid instructor.  Bacally, I took an 8 hour course online, then another 6 hour course for my BLS CPR/First Aid certification, then another 4 hour instructor course and then another 3 hours worth of instructor observation in order to facilitate a class that may or may not save the life of your co-worker or someone you care about, or even... a stranger.

Any way, after some simple, count on my fingers, addition, that is about 21 hours of CPR/First Aid- and, if you include my initial course in Heartsaver CPR/First Aid and then the class I have taught, (another 3.5 hours) I'm running about 29 hours of training in the last 4 months.  All things considered, I now possess some super skillzzzz.  However, and I want to completely emphasize that these methods are in no way, shape or form approved by the American Heart Association, I really think I've improved upon some basic, non-life threatening, 1st aid techniques.

Minors Burns (1st and 2nd degrees- not of Kevin Bacon)

While pulling bread out of the oven (400 degrees, fully pre-heated, because I'm a good cook), I grazed two of my fingers along the oven rack, which yields, for those of you who don't know, a pretty nice first degree burn and, in my case, a blister on a blister.  Yumm.  Meal time.

AHA recommends- that one with 1st or 2nd degree burns run it under cool water for 10-20 minutes, or soak it.  Then, take clean, sterile gauze and wrap the wound to prevent it from air exposure, but be careful not to wrap it too tight.

Whitney recommends- Much like the AHA guidelines, I recommend cooling the wound off first.  If you have a drink, such as a bottle of beer, cold in the fridge, it will work over time, between cooling your wound and taking your mind off of the searing flesh.  One is good, two or three are better.  Also, seasonal ales, if possible.  They're just more festive.  After about the first beer, get a large bowl of cool water and just soak your burn (if you can soak it, as in, it is on a hand or foot), and put on some Arrested Development (either the band or the TV show) and you will be fine.  Put a band-aid on it, after it stops throbbing, if you really feel like you're a baby.

Animal Bites (Snake)

AHA recommends- If you come across someone who has been bitten by a snake, call poison control, but don't try any other methods to treat this wound on your own.

Whitney recommends- If it's a friend who you happen upon, at least attempt to suck out the poison, it shows that you really care.  You may first have to open the bite up by cutting your friend (see a following recommendation to then treat this you've just made) and then sucking it out, which will probably mean you're going to get all sorts of bloodborne pathogens in your mouth, but it's better than losing a friendship because you look like a giant vaje.  If the snake bite is inflicted upon a stranger, don't risk swallowing snake venom or ending up with a disease, follow AHA guidelines on this one.  

Animal Bites (Raccoon)

AHA recommends- You call animal control and then go to the hospital/call 911.  Not necessarily in that order, which ever seems the most important at the time.

Whitney recommends- Well, you probably have hard core rabies, so, while your body is infested with rabid rage, hunt that raccoon down and show him who's the boss... especially if you are Tony effing Danza.  Don't get me wrong, I'm pro-animal-life, but seriously, that thing, if it is rabid, could eat a kitten or a baby, and it would be a shame if it did so because you were too much of a vegetarian to do anything about it.  After your rage-riot, then seek out a medical cure.  We don't need any Florida Zombie outbreaks in these parts. Don't be a dumb ass.

 A Bloody Nose

AHA recommends- Pinch the nostrils, lean forward, not back, wait for the blood to clot.

Whitney recommends- STOP GETTING IN BAR FIGHTS.  Sometimes the best treatment is preventative measures, idiot.

A Cut

AHA recommends- Putting on gloves and protective eye-wear, pressing hard with gauze, continuing pressure with more gauze until the bleeding stops, DO NOT remove the bloody gauze, as you may re-open the wound and wrap it with a sterile bandage.  Seek further medical attention if necessary.

Whitney recommends- Again, this is best with some serious alcohol.  I recommend vodka for this, and rubbing alcohol if you want to clean the wound.  Dowse it (the wound) and your liver with a few shots, if you don't have gauze (which, I mean, who in their home, that does not have a child, has a bunch of gauze lying around?) take a clean towel and press down.  Then, when the bleeding stops, cover that shit with band-aids (because, again, who keeps a lot of gauze rolls/sterile dressing around?)  It may take most of a box, but it will be worth it.  Keep those on until some douche makes a comment about it looking funny, then change them out and replace with new band-aids.

A Severed Digit 

AHA recommends- Packing the finger or toe on ice- not directly, but wrapped up in a clean paper towel and in a ZipLock bag- and calling 911 or going to the hospital to have it surgically reattached.

 Whitney recommends- Don't get it reattached.  Stop being a big baby.  One, you'll look like more of a bad ass and can come up with a million cool stories as to why you don't have a finger.  And two, you can either send it to someone as a cruel prank, OR litigation.  A friend of a friend could always find it in a Coke-a-Cola can and split some dough with you.  Just sayin'.

An Abscessed Tooth 

AHA- Doesn't have guidelines for this


Whitney Recommends- Go see an effing dentist.  Seriously.  This is not fun.  Get on some antibiotics and DON'T DRINK, because it says so on the box, and you don't want to mess with a puffy face for too long.... it really is unbecoming.  Trust me, I know. 


*Fine print- these are not my official methods or suggestions when I'm teaching, and again, in no way are Representative of AHA guidelines or best practices.

Life Calling

Okay.  It's been a little while since my last post, but I can explain... I have a boyfriend.  That I like.  The end.  Also, I got really fucking lazy with this thing- so lazy, in fact, that I spent the last five minutes trying to remember my password.  I don't even know why I have this account password protected.  Am I really afraid that someone is going to hack into it and start phantom blogging for me?  Because that would be awesome.  I'd be a lot like a Kardashian or a Snookie.  And though I love blogging and have at least one follower (shout out to  my cousin's boyfriend who told me that my boyfriend was crushing my creative spirit), I don't know that list blogging is going to be substantial enough to be my life's calling.

I've tried to compile my talents into this list:
-List blogging
-Chalk art
-Paper mache masks
-Cat snuggling
-Taking hideous photographs of animals
-Quoting movies
-Cher karaoke impressions
-Nail art

So that is my short list.  Here is my short list of things I am not too good at:
-Playing video games
-Long division
-Cake decorating (that doesn't involve zombies, zombie hands, or fake blood of any sort)
-I used to think that I wasn't very good at spelling, but I've seen the youth of today's contributions to the Internet and text messages and I'm pretty sure I could win a spelling bee against one of those brace-faced brats any day.

So, with my talents combined and sans the things I am not good at, here is a list of potential future life callings for me:

Cat Psychic Whisperer

I think I could pretty easily convince people that I could talk to their animals from the great beyond.


  

Halloween Costume Consultant

Remember ladies, slut is not a costume, it's a life style.

80's/90's Revivalist

I'd like to bring VHS tapes, movies, and Bowie's career back from the dead.  Southern Baptist preacher style.

Legendary Monster Photographer

Considering half of my photos of Scott look other-worldly any way, and considering I only use my iPhone's camera AND considering the popularity of Instagrams sepia tone/burnt toaster over lays, I think I could easily pull this off, with a possible Scifi... excuse me SYFY (WHAT THE HELL, for realz, what a stupid spelling) channel spin-off.  I guess, also seeing this SEDUCTIVE photo, I could also be a legendary monster hand model.  Hand model almost made this list, but I realize now, in comparison, it is just a pipe dream.  No one needs baby hands- they just aren't elegant enough.

 

Vietnamese Nail Salon Closer

Closer, as in baseball.  I'd come in and put the finishing touches- like little cat faces or Pac-Mans on women's (or men's) nails after the polish dust has settled.   The painting part... I'm not so good at, I could definitely be good at the finer detailing.

Car Detailer

Let's just say, I have a weird OCD tic (thing) that allows me to enjoy cleaning things with Q-Tips.  Actually, I'd only want to clean the inside... I don't like the feeling of car soap.  Someone else would have to do that.

Funeral Director

Doi.

Take This Julie Andrews!

Every year- this being the last- Oprah thinks she's effing Julie Andrews and talks about her "favorite things" followed by her modest display of giving her audience a slew of items they go bonkers over. I, however, never really find these gifts of her magi to be very interesting or exciting. If Oprah gave me, as an audience member, a cruise package I'd roll my eyes, ask her if she was also planning on paying me for the time I now have to take off work, as I don't get paid vacation working in a custard shop, and then ask her if she has read any sort of recent headlines about that fated cruise ship recently. Blah, blah, blah. As Ralphy got to play Santa on A Christmas Story, let me play Oprah and make a list of things I'd like to give away, if I could:

1. The Gift of Youth

Seriously, I'd give everyone a pack of Shriky-Dinks™ if I could.

2. The Gift of Remembrance

Various multi-disk sets of specials that ran on the Discover Heath so we can remember what life was like before Oprah took over our broadcasting system.

3. The Gift of Intentionality

Messenger Pigeons- Real communication is a dying art form. I think, by bringing back messenger pigeons, there may be some fun or at least romanticism reinstated into our lives- and we could talk outside of fakesbook and our text messages. Should this not be feasible, I'd like to give you all some postage stamps, so we can send letters back and forth.

4. The Gift of Culture

A number of Rancho Bravo tamales. I don't know how many- as many as you could handle before swearing them off forever, I suppose. I had one for dinner. This is my version of "If I could buy the world a Coke™".

5. The Gift of Literature

Scary Stories. I miss this book, as it was one of my childhood favorites, and it's yet to make Oprah's book club.

6. The Gift of Practicality

A Hatchet. Say the end of the world really is approaching us just over two years from now, or a zombie out break develops from the former swine flu, or your land lord tells you he/she will evict you should you not chop down that overgrown tree from your front yard that is tripping the little school children both to and from their educational pursuits OR Snowpocolypse™ 2010 part duex happens and you need said tree for firewood- yeah, you bet your cold ass you'd be thanking me.

7. The Gift of Hope

The bingo scratch ticket. It's a gift that may or may not keep on giving. Plus, I know one of my grandmothers would go bananas over it, as she loves to scratch and win.

8. The Gift of Joy

All red Starbursts™. I'm so nice, I'd give you a gift that takes all of the shitty flavors out of the candy we all love, or would love better with out the yellow and orange flavors.

9. A Timeless Gift

An Alarm Clock. This is specifically for my co-workers so they are never late for work again. I liked this model.

10. The Gift of Scott

And finally, a framed picture of Scott. Granted, I may be sending out Christmas cards with Scott's picture, they aren't framed. I wish I could frame them all for you. With metal, not plastic frames.

Abstentee Ballot

I haven't written a blog in a long time. Do you know why? Boys. Duh. And you knew that, so there was no point in reiterating it. Also Scott- but seeing as he is a male cat, he falls into the category (not to burden you with that pun), of a boy. For this, I apologize. Let's put our hands in and make a pack to never let a boy come between us again- giggle-ty giggle-ty giggle. This, of course, will not last, as we all know- I can go boyless for, oh, about an hour-and-a-half, give or take 75 minutes.

But, on the bright side, I have been writing more about these temporary male companions, and considered re-opening the "today's date" blog, but it may be too "steamy" for the likes of, oh, say, my mother, who snoops and reads and subscribes to my blog. However, should this compilation I'm working on ever get published, I'll send you a copy- provided that you send me cash in return.

And if I've "dated" or "made-out with you" for a pro-longed period of time in the past three years, I've probably written about you. In fact, I've probably told you that I've written about you, but like always, you've probably forgot. Also, I've probably given you a dumb effing nick name, like, "boy with the dragon tattoo", only shorter, less of a knock-off of Steig Larson(?) , and more applicable to my life. And yes, I actually plan on publishing these stories some day- and yes, I come off just as bad as you do, as I'm a selfish, overly analytical little prat and it shows. And no, you can't change your dumb nick name, for whatever reason, you deserved it.

I'd like to also take a minute to make this plea: I don't hate all of the boys I've dated, in fact, I still very much like many of them and am friends with a few, or at least try to maintain some sort of friendship. The rest... I hate.

And yes, some of the Christmas cards I'm sending out have the caption "This is why I'm single".