Things That Are Dead To Me

Dear the following listed items,

I've given you a chance... many of you multiple chances. Chancity, chance, chance, chance and there's a good possibility that you will never get another, so take a good hard look at what you have done, come up with a plan of reconciliation, and get on your knees and tell me you love me or you and I are (in a hushed voice) over. I'll send you to a list where no amount of clapping can bring you back.

Truly yours,

Ms. Whitworth MD... PhD... emmm, MBA BS, the third.

#1: Myspace

Good luck getting off this list. I feel dirty even thinking about myspace.com. It's not even because it feels overly commercial, corporate, or professional for that matter. I'd get rid of it entirely if it wasn't still a good tool to use when "researching" people. "A Place for Friends"... more like a place for shitty rappers and shirtless bro's to try and lure me into looking at them. Eh, no thanks.

#2: Boom Noodle

Was alive to me, until I was sitting across from a friend at dinner. I ordered a bowl of white rice, he ordered SOMETHING THAT WAS MOVING (which I later found out are bonito flakes, and come from fishes) when it got to the table. It upset me so much tears began to well in me lil' eyes. True story. So please, for the love of God, don't let any food that I am near during meal time move. It's too much of a shock for my heart to take.

#3: Most of the state of South Dakota

And I say "most" because I don't know that I have experience all of the people or land mass to make a definite "all" yet. But I do feel comfortable sticking with "most" as my negative experiences have been too strong in this state to even go into detail. I don't think I have a single friend from the big SD. And should you be from there, can you at least do me the favor of pretending you are from North Dakota- which is a fine state or even Wyoming or Nebraska. Big D- as far as you and I am concerned- there is no "us" 'cause 'merica only has 49 states.

#4: Beecher's Handmade Cheese

YOU know what you did! Even trumping the deli, you were the worst... mostly due to the management (that is no longer there, may I add). Much like South Dakota, I have nothing left to say to you.

#5: Birthdays

I have forgot a considerable number of birthdays this year, including my dear mother's, been stood up by an entire birthday party, and as far as my own birthday this past year... no, wait, my birthday party was pretty fun, I must have been confusing it with something else. Be that as it may, I'm now at the age where birthday gifts aren't really given anymore and having a birthday is a big production anyway, so what is the point? Dead to me.

#6: Everyone on my "Do Not Answer" list in my phone

This is as close as I am going to get to even touching the category of individuals that have upset me enough to make this list. And yes, I do actually have a certain someones in my phone under "do not answer" as their name. Are you one of them? I don't know, try calling sometime and find out. It could be an adventure.

#7: The dogs upstairs

And if they don't quit their barking in about five seconds, they will be. At least we are down to only two of them again, instead of three. It is one thing to live in a basement under the scratching of doggie nails on the floor that doesn't stop during the larger portion of the day- but it is another to live under mean, smelly, old, unattractive dogs that bark at you even though you have been living there for a year. I hope they have their rabies shots because I have seen a lot of mean looking raccoons lately and mysteriously the gate might just be left open if those dogs don't start treating me a little better.

#8: The Cast of Full House, et al

You maybe asking the question "What has the cast of Full House ever done to you"? What have they done, period? Other than their lack of entertainment skills and ability to be, in any situation, unfunny or take up too much space on the cover of a gossip tabloid where P. Sway should be honored or his life and dance moves more completely? That's what I thought. Oh, by the way, America is still waiting for the funniest home video. Bob, youtube does your job so much better than you ever could and did.

#9: World Political News

Over it. OVER IT. Does nothing new ever happen in world politics? I mean, seriously, I think half of it is just stock footage/photos at this point in time. Gimme some dogs being rescued or kittens doing funny tricks. I never see foreign animals on in the news, which is a shame. If this could be promptly remedied, perhaps I would consider moving this off of this particular list.

#10: The Recession

I can only play so many Depression Era games before even I get bored. I just want a decent job, the excuses to stop, a better place to live and a manicure already. Recess... is over.



And that's about it. I'm officially tabooing these items.

My Addictions: A Detailed Description

I know there are steps to recovery, but I am just going to do this however I want, and that's okay, because I know you will all support me in my recovery process. So this is my first step: admitting to my addictions. Mom, dad, family, and friends, I know it may hurt you to hear this, but it's time I come clean.

Addiction List:

#1: Coke: Well, Diet, actually. Call it what you will, Diet Coke, DC, Lady Coke, Street Smack, it doesn't change what it is: liquid legal heroin. I've been on it for, well, almost a year now. I started this habit when working at Beecher's Handmade Cheese Co. I'd buy a can on my 10 minute break from across the way for only 50 cents! It spiraled and peaked near the middle of summer, when the Jing and I bought 6 24 packs because they were on sale buy three get three free, but I am happy to report I have only had one D.C. in the past week. Mostly because I am broke.


#2: Staying up past 4 am: Maybe it's all of the Coke (diet). All I'll say is that this is my witching hour, so let me do whatever it is I do during this time while you are getting your beauty rest in. Plus, at 4 am, I can rest assured that I am not going to miss any of your text messages or calls- in other words, you should feel honored that I would stay up so late for you! So that I won't miss talking or texting you!

#3: Breakfast Burritos: The genius behind this food is that it can be eaten, oh, say, ANYTIME. Name me an hour when this meal is not appropriate. Go on... go ahead, name a time... What's that you say, 4 am? Not true, just ate one an hour ago I made and consumed one while all of you were soundly asleep, and that is a fact. Was it dinner? Breakfast? Kind of both. Yah know, few foods can transition from the dinner hour to the breakfast hour with such ease.


#4: Memorizing the Presidents: For the past three days I have taken it upon myself to be able to list the presidents (thanks must be paid to sporcle.com for the availability of their quiz on U.S. Presidents), in exact order, both backwards and forwards. So far I can do it forwards in just under 2 minutes and backwards in just over. What's that you say, who came before and after Harrison? Why Cleveland... both times. OH..OH, and who came between Tyler and Taylor? Was it Pierce... NOPE, wrong P named prezzzz pal, it was Polk. POLK. AHAH! Take that 5 year old geniuses whose parents "claim" they know all of the Presidents of the youknightedstates of 'merica, well so do I! Ha!


#5: Back to the Future: It is past 5:30 a.m. and I am watching this movie for... errrr... the fourth(?) time in the past 24(ish) hours. Whatev's, right? I'm not saying this movie is my favorite, or even in my top 10 favorite movies, but let's take a look at this movie and it's greatness for one moment: It lays down sweet tracks from Huey Lewis and the News, it features teeny-tiny Michael J. Fox at his most adorable, it gave us phrases like "hello McFly (which, granted, I may be the only person who actually uses this phrase, but it could catch on)" and "make like a tree and get out of here", it taught us about flux capacitors and it personally makes me hold out hope for a Delorean comeback. And lastly, this particular science-fiction-romantic-comedy-family flick predicted that we will have flying cars by 2015... which I believe could happen and am presently looking forward to flying one. And remember kiddos, you can change your present/future by changing your parents' past, all you need is a nuclear powered time-machine courtesy plutonium from Libyan Nationalists.


#6: Black Coffee and a packet of Sugar in the Raw: Whether it is iced coffee with the packet of sugar in directly in the coffee, or if it is hot and I am licking sugar off of a spoon while drinking black tar, I can't quit. Truth be told, my insides are killing me for this and I think it may also affect #2, but dammit, make my second cup a third. Mmmm. Good.


#7: Craig's List Missed Connections and the Stranger's I Saw U's: I check these, especially MC's, more than I check my email on average. Why? Well, who is to say I am always looking for myself? I will have you know, creepy though it may sound, I am also checking diligently to see if any of these spottings are not only for me, but also for you. So far, nothing has really stood out, except that one time that I found an I Saw U for John. But you have my word, as long as I remain an addict, I'll keep checking... for you... for the children.

#8: The Central Library: Suit me up, I'm going in... at least once, NO, twice a week lately. Yes, I am aware that the Douglass Truth Library is closer and even the Capital Hill branch is more conveniently located and has more DVD selection and is very well organized, but I don't really give a shit. I like the feeling of the Central Library. I love checking out music there, and I feel like a girl genius after exiting. Plus, it allows me to traverse to the down town area, which I feel as though I have yet to explore.


#9: Making lists: Which is kind of what this blog is about in the first place, but lately my lists have been primarily to-do lists occasionally broken up by the "might as well be dead to me" lists, "friend inventories" and "things that I probably shouldn't think are funny, but do".... you know, the type of lists that I can't really post due to the hurting of feelings that may be blamed on me in future interactions with people I am still in contact with.

I think this list is the bulk of it. Sure, there are others- watching videos of baby animals on youtube while I listen to Coltrane, certain "crush" obsessions, wearing bandannas in my hair and putting my sheets in the dryer at night without even washing them just so that they will be warm and smell good as I drift off to sleep, but those things have already been leaked to the public, so I decided to skip noting them, but they definitely deserve some sort of honorable mention.

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

This is not a letter confessing how much I love, miss, and need you- true as it may be- but rather a letter to re-emphasise my plea that you make and mail me something delicious. I did my research and Googled different things all with the predecessor "delicious" in the search box (i.e. "delicious food item"). I tried to find images that looked delicious, but that you would still be capable and willing to make. And, per our conversation on the phone, I know you have time to make said item(s) because you confessed you are bored a lot and spend a lot of time on www.facebook.com. I request 1-3 of these items on this list.

Love,
Your Golden Child
Heart Heart
Whitney

Item 1: Delicious Cherry Pie
As this was the original item I requested (and I must mention, these items are not necessarily in order... but yet again, somewhat are), I felt it necessary to reinstate my desire for it.













Item 2: Delicious Banana Bread
Not only does it nourish me with its 100% real banana fruit and satisfy my insatiable hunger for something sweet other than the coconut flakes we have in our cupboard, it also could provide your loving daughter with several breakfasts. Plus, I know you have bananas, you said so yourself. And, for the record and not just because I am trying to score some baked goods out of the deal, I think you make the best banana bread in the world!














Item 3: Delicious Cookies (these pictured are chocolate candy/chip types! There is also a peanutbutter variety pictured... if you make that one, could you also add some chocolate bits?)
This was actually the second thing I originally asked for, as I thought it might provide a good activity for you and the grandkids, while feeding me at the same time. Added bonus: cookies travel well in the mail, and I am sure they would ship 500 miles and they would ship 500 more just to be the snack to get dropped at my door. (and yes, I was singing that last line to the song about walking 1000 miles blah blah blahblahblah).















Item 4: Delicious Chocolate Cake
Remember how I used to hate chocolate, in particular, chocolate cake? Well not anymore mama! I want chocolate on chocolate, and please, nothing "butter-cream" based. I want the good stuff. Coco based only! Box if you must, but be gentle with the frosting. It is the most important part. I kind of want the cake to look like the cake that is served to that boy on Matilda... only, not as much. Heck, you can keep the majority of the cake and just send me a slice.













Item 5: Delicious Brownies
This is probably the easiest thing on the whole damn list, as it only takes (and I am pretty sure, though I don't have a box in front of me) 2 tbs oil and an egg at, like, oh say 350 for 30-40 minutes depending on the pan depths and measurements and material from wince it came. You can take all sorts of www.facebook.com quizes while you wait on that. Then, and this is my one special request for the brownies, sprinkle some powdered sugar on top, wouldja? Just as the picture shows.



















Item 6: Delicious Christmas Cookies
I am probably the only person who craves off-season hard crumbly Christmas cookies covered with equally hard frosting and, if at all possible, those little silver edible beads that are now illegal in some states. I lub them. Oh, and PS, I only want these cookies in the following shapes: Christmas Trees and Reindeer.















Item 7: Delicious Casserole
You used to make Tuna Noodle Casserole®­ all the time. I know it wont travel well, and I know I don't eat meat or fish of any sort, so there is a lot going against this casserole being sent. You would have to make it with cream of celery, because I hate cream of mushroom, and probably chickpeas for tuna and lots of extra crackers. I just want it. I guess I will make it myself. That is why I listed it as number five. Silly pipe dream, that's all.













Might I remind you, the majority of this lust for dessert comes from the fact that I can't spend money on sweets right now, as I have other financial ventures to tend to first. I just felt as though that needed to be thrown haphazardly out there... just as a disclaimer.

Thanks Mom in advance!
LOVE YOU!

Don't Call This a Comeback

If you are a banker, more than likely you are going to be a banker for life. If you are an actor, you can just up and quit whenever, leaving your fans with only vague memories of what it used to be when you did more than promote Earth Day events or wear Live Strong™ bracelets. Here are some actors that I just think need to get back in the game before the up-and-coming young actors take over forever and innocent audience members are stuck watching Mary Kate & Ashley TV or worse. So, to the following actors, get your shit together! I am going crazy with nostalgia about how things used to be better here. Thanks!

1.) Rick Moranis

Notable works: Honey I Shrunk the Kids, Honey I Blew Up the Baby, Honey We Shrunk Ourselves, Space Balls, Canadian Bacon.

What roll he should play next: I read recently that Rick Moranis left working as an actor so he could focus on being a stay-at-home single-parent (slash) work on country music albums. That's sweet Ricky, but get your ass back to work! The world needs you- and by that, I mean I need you. I would suggest you create another HISTK movie, but the last one, Honey We Shrunk Ourselves, kind of blew... a lot. So here is my advice to you: could you please just play the father figure of one of the following curly haired male celebrities in an independent comedy with slight romantic undertones: Either Shia Labeouf, Johna Hill or, and preferably, Michael Cera. Thanks.

2.) Shelly Duvall

Notable works: The Shining, Story Book Theater, Mother Goose Rock 'n' Rhyme.

What roll she should play next: In context, Ms. Duvall could do what Charlize Theron did in Monster with less of a cost in the make-up department. She is so naturally emaciatedin looks perhaps she should venture to take part in a film about a heroine addict or mother struggling with an eating disorder which would play as a Life Time TV movie. I would most definitely watch it. Let's face it, I would probably watch any Life Time TV movie. (Too Young to be a Dad, A Secret Between Friends, anyone... anyone..?)

3.) Tim Curry

Notable works: Rocky Horror Picture Show, Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.

What roll he should play next: Given Tim Curry's natural creepiness, which wanes just under that of Steve Buscemi and Christopher Walken (which if you doubt that they are creepy, I am creating a post about that topic as well)... Me thinks it only natural to have Tim Curry work regularly as one of the "Others" or "Other Others" (or what ever the hell sort of kick they are on right now) on the TV show Lost. In fact, I wouldn't mind if you killed off the following characters so you could afford to replace them on the series with Mr. Curry: John Locke, Jack, Kate, Ben, Desmond, Sawyer, Hurley, Sun, Jin, Sayid, All of the Others, Jack's Dad, Charles Whitmore, Penny Whitmore- screw it! Replace them all and have Tim Curry do a one man show. I bet ratings (and my personal viewership) would increase by inconceivable amounts.

4.) Jane Seymour

Notible Works: Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, Gerber Baby Commercials.

What roll she should play next: I think she should have gotten the roll that Dakota Fanning got in New Moon- the second chapter in the Twilight series. Granted, I have never read the books and did not like the first movie, I still think she would have been a better choice. Why? Because I dislike Dakota so much. Plus, by doing this, you will increase the Twilight audience by including in the target market people like, oh, say, my mother. I mean, the new Star Trek did it by extending its aim to a younger audience via making the characters hot and limiting the amount of Leonard Nimoy the audience was exposed to. There is a lot of cross pollination of moviegoers right now- I think Twilight is going to miss the boat if they don't act quickly. Tweens don't stay tweens forever you know!

5.) Dana Carvey

Notable Works: Wayne's World, Wayne's World 2, SNL, Master of Disguise (yeah right, as if anyone actually watched that one).

What roll he should play next: He should play The Riddler if ever the new Batman series decides to portray that character. And no offense to the late some-what great (if only in retrospect) Heath Ledger, but Dana seems like taking on a roll of this sort of nature would not push him over the edge.


(and one day Whitney Whitworth)... just a suggestion from myself to my future self.

Useless Items

How does the phrase go?  Necessity is the key to invention?  Invention is necessary?  Necessity is the spice of life?  

Okay, after looking it up the actual quote that links the two is, "necessity is the mother of invention"... whatever.  Point being, not all things invented are necessary.  Here are some unnecessary inventions, to say the least:

1.) Gum Savers- I had one as a child.  If you have never had one, it is probably because they are so vile and you really shouldn't need one, as everyone knows that old gum hardens and collects/breeds bacteria that should probably not be re-consumed and seems rather undesirable.  Plus, if you are rich enough to afford a gum saver, then you are rich enough to afford a new piece of gum.  Especially if it is Juicy Fruit™.  

2.) Bedazzelers™- This one explains itself pretty well.  Nothing should ever be "bedazzled", especially not cheep denim.  

3.) Diaries with locks- So maybe the male population will not understand this, but as a female growing up I had my fair share of diaries, each with a lock on the outside.  The problem?  Every single diary with a lock has the same key and can be easily picked with any tool smaller than the lock itself.  For me, it was a false sense of security.  My solution?  To make books which I was sure no one would ever be interested in reading into diaries.  

4.) Noodles- Awkward to carry, worthless for actually supporting or saving someone's life if they were to drown, and made from that foam which produced a terrible sound both when wet and dry.  Yuk.  Listen, either learn to swim properly, or get a useful, less likely to be used as a pool weapon, floatation device.  Hell, I don't care of you are 50 and wearing water wings, just leave the goddamn noodles at home.  

5.) Candle Snuffers- My, aren't you just the dainty one with your candle snuffer?  Wait... you what?  You couldn't just blow the candle out?  OH, okay, that makes so much more sense to me now.  No, wait.  It doesn't.  Next birthday, I am going to try and pull this one and see how frustrated people get whilst I attempt to snuff out 24 candles one by one.  

6.) Sham Wow™- This is a simple one, as the Sham Wow™ is just regular pieces of felt.  

7.) Dog Diaper- Just suck it up and train your dog already.  Oh, wait, or you could get off your lazy ass and actually take your dog outside once in a while.  I also hate that this particular varie-tay is washable... I mean, I get it, environmentally friendly, but well... you know how I feel about dogs pooping.  I'm just going to leave it at that.  

8.) Dog Car Seat- I know people love their pets... but come on.  Not to rag on unnecessary dog products, but this just seems insane and uncomfortable for the dog- unless you have a dog like my mothers, who, when it rides in the car, refuses to sit anywhere but on the arm of the driver looking out the window, which is both uncomfortable and dangerous.  Again, as in with the doggie diaper, just train your dog to behave in the first place.  Problem solved.  

9.) The Magic Bullet™- ...okay, I know how much many people love the magic bullet, in fact, and I would swear before a jury, it is my favorite infomercial of all time.  HOWEVER, the Magic Bullet™ does nothing that a regular blender/food processor can not do, only the Magic Bullet™ does it in smaller quantities and actually takes more effort than a simple food processor.