Bonfire Material

Though I in no way have the credibility to post this, here are fashions and trends that I do hope go out of style, and post haste. That was a pun. Yes, you probably own these items. Yes you probably wear them. And yes, I probably secretly make fun of you. I'm just sick of barfing, okay?

-Ugg Boots-

Which, I feel, are already not really considered stylish anymore, but we need to kill this one dead. For good.

-Gladiator Shoes-

Now that it is cold out, I at least wont have to barf all over peoples pedicures for another few months.

-"Unique" Baby Names-

Apple, Blanket, Forest, Panda, what ever. Enough. Name your kids something other than the first object you see.

-Glasses Without a Prescription-

Some of us really need them, okay! Why don't you wear braces on your legs or teeth and make that disability trendy for a while?

-Tiny People-

I don't care if it is really spindly guys, skeletal girls, or little people- I want to be able to see you with my prescription glasses, so if we could remedy this trend, it would be of some help.

-Jean Dresses-

For preschool teachers only you hipsters! They need these dresses!

-Super Blondes-

I'm usually not a fan of blondes anyway, but seriously, the over bleached hair has got to stop. It makes your hair look like cotton candy, which is confusing for some of us. Some of us who like to EAT cotton candy. Also, note, she's a tiny person. Two in one! Yahtzee!!!

-Clothes for Dogs-

It's like dressing children as adults. I don't get it. I don't like it. Stop.

-Vests on Girls-

Only on super models does this trend not look dumb. I'm all for gender bending, but vests are for guys. So are ties. Let's leave it there. It's just confusing, okay? I have a hard enough time trying to tell the boys from the girls around here these days. I need a little help. Also note, that in this picture, there are toeless boot things and gladiator sandals. I wouldn't be friends with any of these girls.

-Flower Print Tights-

Certain prints that I see everywhere just make you look like you have really veiny legs, which make me think of old people... which was not what you were going for. This isn't my best example, but you get the picture. Pun.

-Boho Long Dresses-

Even if you weigh 100 lbs and are 6 ft tall it gives you no shape. Quit wearing these oddly printed dresses or don't expect me to stop asking when the baby is due any time.

-Toeless Boots-

Maybe I just hate feet- a lot- but this is like wearing a belly shirt sweater. Lacks function, purpose, and class. I don't care if they were $500. They're dumb.

-Lady Gaga Halloween Costume-

This was ridiculous. Every single place I went- Lady Gaga, Lady Gaga, Lady Gaga, Lady Ga-ga-gag me.

Maybe Next Year Kiddos.

Halloween is my favorite of favorite holidays. Ever. Period. So I had to write a blog for the day! Happy Halloween! Treats are for good kids. Tricks are for hookers.

With that said, here is a list of things I wanted to be fore Halloween this year, but alas, could only be one and settled on and made my raccoon costume over a month ago. And that's really the conundrum- do you make your costume in advance and not have to worry about it, or do you wait it out and decide, for certain, that is what you want to be? I chose the former this year, and it worked out. I like my costume, as it is both cute and scary (because raccoons are the meanest things ever), but other ideas came later. Oh well, maybe next year.

Elliot and ET

I already have the E.T. mask that I made a few years ago and a red hoodie. I would hope my costume would look something like the one above. I just need a basket and handlebars.

Mr. Rogers

Seeing as I am, more or less, an old man anyway, I think I could pull this off.

Ms. Montana

This would require me to reuse my Montana costume, but I would want a crown and a sash as well.

Veruca Salt

As you should know, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is my favorite movie, and I think I am just bratty enough to pull of Veruca.

Doug Funny

I'm not bald, but I think someone needs to go as Doug, so why not me? Also, this costume made me realize I want to dress up like a boy in many of these ideas. Whatever. Don't judge.

A Price is Right Contestant

Hey, if I can't do it in real life...

TV News Anchor

Only, I'd be wearing a cardboard TV and speaking from inside it- obnoxiously reporting the "happenings" of the night.

That was my short list. I am sure there are others that I am forgetting. So, on one final spooooookey note: Remember kiddens- SLUT is not a costume. It's a way of life.

Attack

Be not alarmed! The following are simply images... images of what I hope aliens look like, as sort of my homage to Aliens this festive season of Halloween. It's as a simple as that. Note: In no means is this is a survival guide meant to help you during an impeding attack, as I don't have that sort of authori-tay.

The practical alien:

I would hope aliens would look like this because if they did they would be slower and shorter than I am. This being said, I might survive an attack, and thus, making them practical. The same argument can be made for as slow vs. fast zombies. Granted, they still might have laser guns, which I would have no chance out running, and neither would you. And though this particular picture shows a woman who, well, got attacked, I would like to assume that she was weak and probably deserved it- the damsel type, yah know? Oh, and one last note, I'd have him wearing a long, high-collard metallic silver coat. For effect.

The futuristic alien:

If aliens were more like robots (which, in many movies they are), I would hope that they would look like Bjork from her video for All Is Full of Love and not just some dumb cybertron type being. Friendly, sleek, but still creepy.

The alien in human form:

This might not be my first choice of how I would like human-esque aliens to look, I would rather them look (and sound) like Ira Glass, but this is the most probable of the alien-to-human transformations I think. And no, it is not too soon.

The scary alien:

I almost chose the picture of the late M.J. to serve also as the scary version of aliens, but decided this was more appropriate while still maintaining similar lines. Truthfully though, I really wish that there were no possibilities of scary aliens, but if I had to chose, I would chose the aliens from They Live because they look just like humans- which means unless you have bad ass glasses which will help you determine the reals from the fakes, forget it, you're a goner. Nothing is more scary than perfect camouflage. Classic.

In the off chance I would have to create babies with an alien, alien:

Okay, so I know that Spock is only really half alien, but that's what I'm saying. I already know that breading with this particular alien species would work and not result in one of those scary scenes when an alien eats its way out of my abdominal cavity. As if birth wasn't gross enough already. And I know there are people who like other, older Spocks better, but this one is more in my age range. The hair cut... might have to go though. My aunt could probably take care of this for me. But yes, I would have alien babies if need be with new Spock.

The lovable alien:

It came down to A.L.F. and E.T.- both have initials for names, but only one came out on top, and let's face it, A.L.F. ate cats, so I had no choice but to choose E.T. He liked Reeses Pieces... much better feasting option.

The pet alien:

Why can't real animals be this cute? I don't know what this is from... probably Japan.

And just for fun, because this post was short:

The alien boy who wasted my time- Balloon Boy. Look at him. Effing alien. He even had that phony space ship. In fact, when I first turned on the news that day and saw the headline Balloon Boy and then the fake craft, my mind flashed back to the movie Signs (not great, I know) when they turn on the TV and there were alien ships and I thought maybe there was a UFO in our real life midst- but no, it was a "tragic" missing child story that turned up with no conclusion of interest.

So there you have it. For future film makers, particularly of the SciFi alien type movies, cut out the others and focus in on these types please, so that I will watch your movie in theaters and not pirated online.

Belief System

Oddly enough, I had a realization the other day that my "belief" system as a child was much simpler and almost more reasonable than the silly beliefs I have as an adult, unreasonable as they may have been. So, bellow is a list I have compiled of things and ideas I used to believe when I was younger, aside from the usual (Santa, the Easter Bunny, and monsters):


- When someone dies, a part of them splits off into another dimension that doesn't know they have died.

- It blew my mind when I realized that computer screen windows could "cascade", before that I assumed the picture was solid through the screen. The first time I cascaded a window in the foreground and saw the desktop background, it really frustrated and confused me.


- I believed the same thing about television sets.

- I could talk to cats.


- If I didn't pray to god every night, he would kill one of my animals, friends, or family members.

- Closets were portholes where kids could disappear forever if they hid in them.

-When a person turned 21 they could read the minds of everyone who was younger than them.

-That my barbies wanted to be in relationships with each other.

- If I replayed my day entirely backwards, word for word, action for action, and wrote it down on paper, I could travel back in time.

-The government kept track of us through mirrors and that every mirror was really a one way governmental spy camera.

-Clouds were edible, and I was upset that we just didn't try hard enough to harvest them.


-I believed in the Heart Boy- you know, the one who comes around every valentines day and delivers gifts and candy. Since I have stopped believing in the Heart Boy, I have noticed that the candy and the gifts have stopped.


- I didn't understand that two people could have the same name.

- I wouldn't use the bathrooms in 1st grade in California because I thought all of the trouble makers and bullies hung out there and, henceforth, bad shit went down (pun not intended).


- It was more or less a family belief- which I dumbly believed- that Iskabibbles existed. Iskabibbles, if you didn't know, are little tiny people who live under the cattle guards (and cattle guards, if you didn't know- because you have never been to the country, are bridges over ditches used to prevent cattle from escaping onto the open range). We also believed that if you didn't honk your horn before crossing the cattle guard in a car, you would squish and kill them all.

Other than that, I'd say I was a pretty rational child.

Cast Systemz

Since the last post was wordy, this one will be mostly just pictures, as they speak for themselves.

In life, there are two choices: Do you want a sitcom that features good looking actors who can't act, or a sitcom that features "normal" looking people who can? It's a tough decision. On the one hand, if I want funny and normal, I probably don't need to watch TV. But is it worth it waste thirty minutes to an hour (minus commercial time) to watch good looking people on mute? It's a paradox I rarely face anymore due to my lack of accessibility to cable, but it is still something to be pondered over dinner and in philosophy classes.

The list bellow falls, in my experience, in the category of ugly and funny... for the most part. There are a few casts that I think aren't funny or good looking, but they still made it on the list because this particular list is not about funny- just ugly. The following is that of the least attractive TV casts I could think of:

-Roseanne- The entire cast.

-Seinfeld- The entire cast, minus the people that they used to date. For some reason, they always dated fairly good looking people, which made no sense to me.

-The Office- The entire cast minus Jim and Pam, obviously. If this was in the 80's or the British version, everyone would be unattractive.

-Murphy Brown- The entire cast.

-All in the Family- The entire cast INCLUDING the blond chick.

-Cheers*- Everyone but Kirstie Alley and Shelly Long.

-New Radio- The entire cast, especially Andy Dick

-Family Matters- The entire cast minus Richie and Laura but including the time that Urkle became "hot" Urkle Stephen.

-Just Shoot Me- The entire cast minus the ladyz in specific episodes only.

-Full House-The entire cast minus Uncle Jesse (he carried the show) but including extras like Kimmi.

-Blossom- The entire cast minus Joey Lawrence.

-Friends- The entire cast. I don't care what you say, this is one of those examples when they try to find "attractive" yet "real(ish)" looking people and then you just kind of look at them for too long and realize, sure, they may be slender and have hair, but they are not an attractive group.

That about does it. Common thread? The 80's/90's transition period. As you can see, there are only a few shows on this list that are current or prior to that time frame. Yikes.

*Note: This also includes the Fraiser spin-off.