Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

This is not a letter confessing how much I love, miss, and need you- true as it may be- but rather a letter to re-emphasise my plea that you make and mail me something delicious. I did my research and Googled different things all with the predecessor "delicious" in the search box (i.e. "delicious food item"). I tried to find images that looked delicious, but that you would still be capable and willing to make. And, per our conversation on the phone, I know you have time to make said item(s) because you confessed you are bored a lot and spend a lot of time on www.facebook.com. I request 1-3 of these items on this list.

Love,
Your Golden Child
Heart Heart
Whitney

Item 1: Delicious Cherry Pie
As this was the original item I requested (and I must mention, these items are not necessarily in order... but yet again, somewhat are), I felt it necessary to reinstate my desire for it.













Item 2: Delicious Banana Bread
Not only does it nourish me with its 100% real banana fruit and satisfy my insatiable hunger for something sweet other than the coconut flakes we have in our cupboard, it also could provide your loving daughter with several breakfasts. Plus, I know you have bananas, you said so yourself. And, for the record and not just because I am trying to score some baked goods out of the deal, I think you make the best banana bread in the world!














Item 3: Delicious Cookies (these pictured are chocolate candy/chip types! There is also a peanutbutter variety pictured... if you make that one, could you also add some chocolate bits?)
This was actually the second thing I originally asked for, as I thought it might provide a good activity for you and the grandkids, while feeding me at the same time. Added bonus: cookies travel well in the mail, and I am sure they would ship 500 miles and they would ship 500 more just to be the snack to get dropped at my door. (and yes, I was singing that last line to the song about walking 1000 miles blah blah blahblahblah).















Item 4: Delicious Chocolate Cake
Remember how I used to hate chocolate, in particular, chocolate cake? Well not anymore mama! I want chocolate on chocolate, and please, nothing "butter-cream" based. I want the good stuff. Coco based only! Box if you must, but be gentle with the frosting. It is the most important part. I kind of want the cake to look like the cake that is served to that boy on Matilda... only, not as much. Heck, you can keep the majority of the cake and just send me a slice.













Item 5: Delicious Brownies
This is probably the easiest thing on the whole damn list, as it only takes (and I am pretty sure, though I don't have a box in front of me) 2 tbs oil and an egg at, like, oh say 350 for 30-40 minutes depending on the pan depths and measurements and material from wince it came. You can take all sorts of www.facebook.com quizes while you wait on that. Then, and this is my one special request for the brownies, sprinkle some powdered sugar on top, wouldja? Just as the picture shows.



















Item 6: Delicious Christmas Cookies
I am probably the only person who craves off-season hard crumbly Christmas cookies covered with equally hard frosting and, if at all possible, those little silver edible beads that are now illegal in some states. I lub them. Oh, and PS, I only want these cookies in the following shapes: Christmas Trees and Reindeer.















Item 7: Delicious Casserole
You used to make Tuna Noodle Casserole®­ all the time. I know it wont travel well, and I know I don't eat meat or fish of any sort, so there is a lot going against this casserole being sent. You would have to make it with cream of celery, because I hate cream of mushroom, and probably chickpeas for tuna and lots of extra crackers. I just want it. I guess I will make it myself. That is why I listed it as number five. Silly pipe dream, that's all.













Might I remind you, the majority of this lust for dessert comes from the fact that I can't spend money on sweets right now, as I have other financial ventures to tend to first. I just felt as though that needed to be thrown haphazardly out there... just as a disclaimer.

Thanks Mom in advance!
LOVE YOU!

Don't Call This a Comeback

If you are a banker, more than likely you are going to be a banker for life. If you are an actor, you can just up and quit whenever, leaving your fans with only vague memories of what it used to be when you did more than promote Earth Day events or wear Live Strong™ bracelets. Here are some actors that I just think need to get back in the game before the up-and-coming young actors take over forever and innocent audience members are stuck watching Mary Kate & Ashley TV or worse. So, to the following actors, get your shit together! I am going crazy with nostalgia about how things used to be better here. Thanks!

1.) Rick Moranis

Notable works: Honey I Shrunk the Kids, Honey I Blew Up the Baby, Honey We Shrunk Ourselves, Space Balls, Canadian Bacon.

What roll he should play next: I read recently that Rick Moranis left working as an actor so he could focus on being a stay-at-home single-parent (slash) work on country music albums. That's sweet Ricky, but get your ass back to work! The world needs you- and by that, I mean I need you. I would suggest you create another HISTK movie, but the last one, Honey We Shrunk Ourselves, kind of blew... a lot. So here is my advice to you: could you please just play the father figure of one of the following curly haired male celebrities in an independent comedy with slight romantic undertones: Either Shia Labeouf, Johna Hill or, and preferably, Michael Cera. Thanks.

2.) Shelly Duvall

Notable works: The Shining, Story Book Theater, Mother Goose Rock 'n' Rhyme.

What roll she should play next: In context, Ms. Duvall could do what Charlize Theron did in Monster with less of a cost in the make-up department. She is so naturally emaciatedin looks perhaps she should venture to take part in a film about a heroine addict or mother struggling with an eating disorder which would play as a Life Time TV movie. I would most definitely watch it. Let's face it, I would probably watch any Life Time TV movie. (Too Young to be a Dad, A Secret Between Friends, anyone... anyone..?)

3.) Tim Curry

Notable works: Rocky Horror Picture Show, Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.

What roll he should play next: Given Tim Curry's natural creepiness, which wanes just under that of Steve Buscemi and Christopher Walken (which if you doubt that they are creepy, I am creating a post about that topic as well)... Me thinks it only natural to have Tim Curry work regularly as one of the "Others" or "Other Others" (or what ever the hell sort of kick they are on right now) on the TV show Lost. In fact, I wouldn't mind if you killed off the following characters so you could afford to replace them on the series with Mr. Curry: John Locke, Jack, Kate, Ben, Desmond, Sawyer, Hurley, Sun, Jin, Sayid, All of the Others, Jack's Dad, Charles Whitmore, Penny Whitmore- screw it! Replace them all and have Tim Curry do a one man show. I bet ratings (and my personal viewership) would increase by inconceivable amounts.

4.) Jane Seymour

Notible Works: Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, Gerber Baby Commercials.

What roll she should play next: I think she should have gotten the roll that Dakota Fanning got in New Moon- the second chapter in the Twilight series. Granted, I have never read the books and did not like the first movie, I still think she would have been a better choice. Why? Because I dislike Dakota so much. Plus, by doing this, you will increase the Twilight audience by including in the target market people like, oh, say, my mother. I mean, the new Star Trek did it by extending its aim to a younger audience via making the characters hot and limiting the amount of Leonard Nimoy the audience was exposed to. There is a lot of cross pollination of moviegoers right now- I think Twilight is going to miss the boat if they don't act quickly. Tweens don't stay tweens forever you know!

5.) Dana Carvey

Notable Works: Wayne's World, Wayne's World 2, SNL, Master of Disguise (yeah right, as if anyone actually watched that one).

What roll he should play next: He should play The Riddler if ever the new Batman series decides to portray that character. And no offense to the late some-what great (if only in retrospect) Heath Ledger, but Dana seems like taking on a roll of this sort of nature would not push him over the edge.


(and one day Whitney Whitworth)... just a suggestion from myself to my future self.

Useless Items

How does the phrase go?  Necessity is the key to invention?  Invention is necessary?  Necessity is the spice of life?  

Okay, after looking it up the actual quote that links the two is, "necessity is the mother of invention"... whatever.  Point being, not all things invented are necessary.  Here are some unnecessary inventions, to say the least:

1.) Gum Savers- I had one as a child.  If you have never had one, it is probably because they are so vile and you really shouldn't need one, as everyone knows that old gum hardens and collects/breeds bacteria that should probably not be re-consumed and seems rather undesirable.  Plus, if you are rich enough to afford a gum saver, then you are rich enough to afford a new piece of gum.  Especially if it is Juicy Fruit™.  

2.) Bedazzelers™- This one explains itself pretty well.  Nothing should ever be "bedazzled", especially not cheep denim.  

3.) Diaries with locks- So maybe the male population will not understand this, but as a female growing up I had my fair share of diaries, each with a lock on the outside.  The problem?  Every single diary with a lock has the same key and can be easily picked with any tool smaller than the lock itself.  For me, it was a false sense of security.  My solution?  To make books which I was sure no one would ever be interested in reading into diaries.  

4.) Noodles- Awkward to carry, worthless for actually supporting or saving someone's life if they were to drown, and made from that foam which produced a terrible sound both when wet and dry.  Yuk.  Listen, either learn to swim properly, or get a useful, less likely to be used as a pool weapon, floatation device.  Hell, I don't care of you are 50 and wearing water wings, just leave the goddamn noodles at home.  

5.) Candle Snuffers- My, aren't you just the dainty one with your candle snuffer?  Wait... you what?  You couldn't just blow the candle out?  OH, okay, that makes so much more sense to me now.  No, wait.  It doesn't.  Next birthday, I am going to try and pull this one and see how frustrated people get whilst I attempt to snuff out 24 candles one by one.  

6.) Sham Wow™- This is a simple one, as the Sham Wow™ is just regular pieces of felt.  

7.) Dog Diaper- Just suck it up and train your dog already.  Oh, wait, or you could get off your lazy ass and actually take your dog outside once in a while.  I also hate that this particular varie-tay is washable... I mean, I get it, environmentally friendly, but well... you know how I feel about dogs pooping.  I'm just going to leave it at that.  

8.) Dog Car Seat- I know people love their pets... but come on.  Not to rag on unnecessary dog products, but this just seems insane and uncomfortable for the dog- unless you have a dog like my mothers, who, when it rides in the car, refuses to sit anywhere but on the arm of the driver looking out the window, which is both uncomfortable and dangerous.  Again, as in with the doggie diaper, just train your dog to behave in the first place.  Problem solved.  

9.) The Magic Bullet™- ...okay, I know how much many people love the magic bullet, in fact, and I would swear before a jury, it is my favorite infomercial of all time.  HOWEVER, the Magic Bullet™ does nothing that a regular blender/food processor can not do, only the Magic Bullet™ does it in smaller quantities and actually takes more effort than a simple food processor.  

Wear Me Out

One of my friends once (recently) told me that my fashion sense was somewhat like that of Blossom's... you remember, the chick with the big hats and crushed velvet outfits.  I guess I haven't made as much progress in my ensembles as I had thought.  

Yes, I can admit that I have made some poor decisions when it came to choosing my own clothes during my early years.  Let me recap some of those mistakes for you, in order that makes the most chronological sense:

-Velcro® Troll™ Shoes- OK, it is not my fault that I was once a child.  Let's just clear that part up. And along with being a child, comes the addition of velcro® on all sorts of articles of clothing; for baby hands, it just makes life easier.  So the velcro is not the upsetting part and must be put aside to focus on the real problem.  The troll part, which is what was these shoes a mistake.  I can recall them vividly: they were white and pink with an actual removable troll head that attached to the tongue of the shoe as well as an image of a troll on the side of the shoe.  What one does with a removable troll head is beyond my comprehension.

-Purple Suede Shoes- Another bad shoe choice, but I loved these ones.  They were crushed deep purple suede with a bit of a chunky heal (and by that I mean, as much of a heal as is allowed for a 9 year old) and actual black ribbon for the laces.  The image that follows is actually what the shoes looked like.  

-JC Penny t-shirts- Well, really, it was one shirt in particular that I recall.  It was a white t-shirt with a lady bug with a white shell that was spotted like a soccer ball and bellow that read the words "don't bug me, I'm playing soccer" in purple and black letters.  Gross you say?  Yes, and let me also explain that I wasn't even playing or interested in playing or even watching soccer at the time.  And what is worse?  I picked it out myself.

-Tinted sunglasses- I had several pair: green, red, purple and perhaps even yellow- all which were very round and very small... think, oh, Diane Keaton or Elton John, only cheaper versions, as I believe them to have been purchased at our local dollar store.  

-Baggy Jeans-  In middle school I started wearing, not just flared jeans, but baggy flared jeans.  Oh wait, it gets better.  I had two pairs of these jeans and both pairs had embroidered cartoon girls on the back pockets.  Oh baby, yes.  I might also add that one pair was that of a very light wash, the other a medium blue.  

-Pants Only- For the majority of my high school career I refused to wear skirts, dresses, or jeans (probably due to the baggy jean fiasco of my middle school naivety).  What does this mean?  I wore a lot of pants.  Oh yes, I forgot to mention, they were mostly dress pants.  Whoot whoot.  Let me also state for the record that not all of the dress pants I owned and wore were black.  Some were grey, some were khakis, and some were forest green.  I also think I owned a pair of brown chords.  It wasn't until senior year when I actually bought a real pair of jeans- primarily because I was then interested in exploring the converse and jeans look.  It was a good cross over. 

-Dusters- Most articles of clothing whose ownership ended up being a mistake I have come to realize, were primarily purchased in pairs.  My "dusters" where no different.  I possessed and regularly wore two- one grey and one black.  Modern society questions why would a person even need one.  I mean, granted yes, I lived in Montana and that look was stylish back in the late 1800's, though made of different material and cut, but there is and was no excuse for this behavior in the modern world, uncivilized territory or not.  And yes, for the record, I wore them OVER my dress pants.  

-Cat collars- I used to wear, as bracelets, my cats' collars.  I just wanted to be closer to them during sophomore health class...  Sometimes I would even wear several at a time, many of which were jewel studded.

-Puffy jackets- I have two in my closet right now: one is shiny purple (pictured bellow) and one is shiny green.  Both have furry hoods.  I still wear them on occasion, though I know it is a mistake, but cold times call for warm jackets- both serve their part well.

-I am sure my next big regret will be my overuse of bandanas (pictured above), but fugg it, I don't care!

B is for Barfing

I'm throwing up right now just composing this list.  

1.) Dogs Pooping

2.) Inspirational posters, particularly those that have animals on them

3.) Warm milk- I hate milk as it is, but I am talking about milk that sits out, not is intentionally heated up.

4.) Emoticons 

5.) Unflushed toilets- particularly in public places

6.) Wet cat food

7.) Mop water

8.) Jing's cooking, particularly when it is with anise or any meat that has been left out over night

9.) Back sweat