Upon further inspection of said chart, I see not where my criteria of punishment lies, therefore, I can not pin-point where I have been led astray, making it near impossible for me to repent and "better" my living situation.
Thus, I have been, inevitably, led to update the outdated and pick up where ol' Dante left off. I have linked a recap of Dante's nine levels of hell here so you can freshen up on the old before proceeding to the new.
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Circles 1-6 The Unfriendly:
1.) Limbo- Also known as Dillon Montana, also known as Dillrod.
Who qualifies: High schoolers and the unbaptized.
2.) Eternally having very chapped lips during a violent wind storm while eating habanero chilies with no ChapStick® to be found. Ever.
Who qualifies: Haters
3.) Forced to wrap oddly shaped Christmas gifts in wrapping paper, with only one hand, and the only tape one gets to use is clear packing tape. For eternity.
Who qualifies: Re-gifters
4.) Living in a room that smells very strongly of burnt popcorn.
Who qualifies: Englishmen
5.) Stuck in a room full of Dakota Fannings.
Who qualifies: Friends who do their friends dirty- as in, wrong doers, back stabbers, and gossips.
6.) Running in circles over un-even terrain wearing two left shoes.... and a Juicy™ sweat suit.
Who qualifies: Tanorexics
Level 7 The Obnoxious:
7.) -Outer Ring: Having sunburns on the top of one's feet while being forced to wear too tight of shoes.
Who qualifies: Budgers and Line Cutters.
-Inner Ring: Forced to eat Saltine Crackers™ with only peanut butter to wash it down with in the blaze of ten hot suns.
Who qualifies: Parents who let their children run amok in grocery stores, movie theaters and nice eateries.
Level 8 The Pushers:
8.) -Outer Ring: Have to sleep, with out actually falling asleep, on a futon for the rest of eternity.
Who qualifies: Car salesmen
-Inner Ring: Eternally having to live (?) with fingernails and toe nails that have been clipped too short, so that they sting, all the while eternally washing breakfast dishes by hand.
Who qualifies: Dirty Politicians
And of course, the 9th and final level of Hell is a special place, reservation: 3. This level is for:
9.) The Annoying: This is that special level in the inferno where three lucky mortals get to spend eternal damnation with the worst possible torture imaginable.
1. Dave Coulier- Spends eternity listening to his own jokes on repeat
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2. Carrot Top- Also spends eternity listening to Dave Coulier's jokes on repeat
3. Hillary Duff- Teeth drilled upon with no novacaine. Forever and ever.
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