1.) Bicycles: It is one thing to ride a bike for exercise or to cut back on your carbon emissions by way of transportation or even for recreation purposes, but Hipsters take it one step further. Hipsters ride their bikes in some sort of secret "cool kid" competition. Particularly when it comes to the ever so impractical fixed-gears, or "fixies", which serve little use in a town full of hills unless you are trying to be cool, in which case, it does its job fine to convey this message to other Hipsters.
One last thing that bothers me about Hipsters and their sweet rides: the fact that they don't wear helmets. Ever. God forbid you mess up your $10 great clips cut that you pull of as being from some salon of which no one has ever heard. If you do wear a helmet, you are clearly not a real Hipster. What could be more fun than speeding down the bus lane on a 15% grade with drivers who don't give a shit while not wearing a helmet? Oh yes, LIVING.
2.) Being Self Absorbed: I love this one. I love it because there is no easy way to put it. Some people have causes that they support: stem cell research, higher pay for doctors, making religion illegal, you get the idea. The Hipsters cause is being a Hipster and supporting the Hipster way of life. This means, making sure they are up-to-date on everything that is fashionable before it is fashionable- but not too much ahead of the curve, because then you are just being silly. And I am not just talking about clothing here, it can be anything. But, one has to be able to back it up with the statement "oh no, I was doing this a long time ago". Example: "I've been listening to vinyl since middle school". Bullshit you were, you were listening to cassette tapes of Mariah Carey back then. I'm not afraid to ask your mother and prove it. It all just goes back to self assurance. Self assurance that yes, you are, in fact, a Hipster and you fit into a crowd, though you are indeed a forward thinking/acting individual, with individual style and individual plaid prints. Though this is never to be spoken aloud, see bullet point number 6.
3.) Houses with names: Some people name their cars, some people name their kids, Hipsters name their houses. Why? Just to be clever. There really is no other purpose that I have found from this. And if there was any doubt as to whether there was some sort of relation along the Bro/Frat Boy blood line and that that runs through the veins of Hipsters, look no further than this fact: They both name their houses.
4.) "Thrift Store" shoppers: Take it from someone who actually has to shop at thrift stores due to an un-sizable income- other than maybe a pair of jeans that can be turned into cut-offs, Hipsters, true Hipsters, rarely buy from actual thrift stores. On occasion they will, but mostly it is avoided. Sure, their clothes may not always be brand new, but the trendy boutiques that they (and I am guilty of as well from time to time when allowance, well, allows me to) shop at, are not thrift stores. Vintage is not thrift. And if it is not vintage, which a lot of it isn't, it is expensive. Very, very expensive. I'm talking higher than $30 for a shirt or some shitty canvas shoes. But of course, when talking to polite company, always mention that you got your shoes from Value Village on sale for $3. Oh yeah, and then give a wink, as to really say "I got this from Zebra Club".
5.) Hang-out spots: I hate when people "claim" spots. Hipsters are like the Christopher Columbus's of the modern world. I am sorry, you did not "discover" Stumptown... it was made for you. Same goes for bars, cheep eateries (as Hipsters love cheep stuff... I think probably so that they can spend more money on their bikes), and anything that is considered "divey" but caters to only a crowd of 20- early 30 somethings. Let me tell you this, oh Hipster high and mighty, it isn't a dive if I can't see at least two people with out any teeth and one woman who has had 8 or so children and a crack problem, otherwise its just a themed bar/restaurant/bingo lounge.
6.) Denial: This is by far my favorite of the Hipster annoyances. I love (and by that I mean I barf) when every time, and this will happen with every single Hipster, the term "Hipster" is brought up, they all claim they are not of that variety. Paradoxical dear Watson! How is it that there are so many effing Hipsters in Seattle Proper, and yet, I can't seem to find anyone who says that they are a Hipster. It's almost a myth, like Big Foot. I especially like when the clear-cut obvious types tell me that they hate Hipsters. Maybe they are just trying to say that they hate themselves, which brings upon self-loathing/pity, which brings about being self-absorbed, which brings us back to bullet point number two. Case solved.
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